5753 - Saturday jokes

If you are feeling alone this New Year's eve, please remember that you're always alone, it just happens to be New Year's eve now.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead, I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn't know we had.

My husband let the dog outside, watched out the window to make sure he was out of ear range then turned to me and whispered “I got him a new chew rope for Christmas.” 

I hope to one day find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

My husband could never cheat on me because he would literally need me to make that plan for him.

DATING: I can’t believe we have so much in common.

MARRIAGE: Please don’t watch your stuff under my Netflix profile.

My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.

A truck is here to cut a giant tree down in my neighbor’s yard, so now my husband has to cancel all his plans and stand by the window for the next 2 hours. (And????)

How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.

The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, "You know, I'd love some water?" And I turned around and he was carrying the dog's water bowl to her.

I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying that if I got a job as a UPS driver they'd probably let me work from home.

Last month I did the unthinkable and finally threw out that box of unloved cables that I've dragged with me through adulthood.

Today I realized that I needed one of them and have no idea how to find a replacement.

CONSIDER THIS A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU!

It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

Her: I need a date for New Year's Eve.

Me: That's easy. It's December 31st.

Russian dolls. 

They are so full of themselves. 

I put my hearing aids in the shop for repair two weeks ago. Haven’t heard a word since!

There's a new guy at work named Wayne Bruce. I said, "Ah, my old nemisis ManBat". Nobody got it. My talents are wasted here.

My son got a science kit for Christmas. 

He grew some human vocal cords in a test tube. 

The results speak for themselves.

Bouncer: When did you start drinking?

Me: 8PM

Bouncer: It's 7PM.

Me: And?

Her: Do men still open car doors?

Him: How do you think we get inside?

I've decided that as of January 1st, I'll only be watching videos in 1080p or higher.

It's my New Year's Resolution.

Optometrist: I'm sorry sir but your results aren't great.

Patient: Can I see them?

Optometrist: I doubt it.

I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

I find it ironic that when a darts player gets 180 they turn around and look at the crowd.

Me: I'm having a really good day except for newpussycat.

Friend: What's newpussycat?

Me: WHOAAAAA WHOAAAA OOOOHHHH.

I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it. 

Hmmm, that’s odd.

I am training to be a woodcarver, but so far I only know a whittle.

Just got an emotional support animal… it’s a pig. Not the whole pig.

OK OK, it’s bacon

Proctologist 1: We missed you at the urology convention.

Proctologist 2: I watched the live stream.

A Genie granted me one wish. 

So I wished to be happy. 

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

My husband said he’d like to eat out tonight so I put a sandwich on the porch.

I know of a guy who had a new ear grafted on after he lost one in an accident. 

The surgery worked surprisingly well. 

So to him, I say Congraftulations and Happy New Ear!

I was attacked by a herd of cows this morning!

I'm okay.

I was just grazed.

I can't use the computer tonight.

Dad has to scroll down to his year of birth.

A good friend by the name of Tia got married last week. 

The wedding was beautiful but somebody stepped on and tortilla's dress.

I took my suit to the dry cleaners, who wanted to charge me $20.00.

So I gave my suit to the charity shop next door.

They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window.

I bought it for $4.50! 

My pal has just received a huge water bill and he can't afford to pay it.

So, I've sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.

I haven't kept up my subscription to the Scrabble club.

Now, they've started sending me threatening letters.

The older I get the tighter companies are putting lids on jars.

Me crying during a French exam wondering what's the gender of a washing machine.

Twitter post: They found a humanoid tooth in Georgia (country not the state) that's 1.8 million years old.

Comment: Georgia is a state not a country. (United States is a country)

Introverts friend: You're so quiet.

Introvert: I wish you were too.

Just wanted you to know I've entered the snapdragon part of my life.

Part of me has snapped and the rest is draggin'.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. 

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.

Nurse 1: How is the patient that fell into the upholstery machine doing?

Nurse 2: He's fully recovered.

We got a baby frog and decided to get a DNA test for it. He turned out to be mostly Irish, a little bit Italian, somewhat German, and a tad Pole.

As we get older, we have to add exercise, subtract carbs, divide food portions, multiply fruits and vegetables, and reduce the percentage of alcohol.

I hate math.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled, and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..." 

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

When I was a kid I used to...

No wait, I still do that.