5760 - Saturday jokes

New Year, New Me! Just kidding. I’m fairly certain I’ll remain overweight and continue to make bad decisions.

UPDATE: My wife's resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Me: Do you have any New Year's resolutions? 

Husband: I can’t really think of anything.

Me: *hands him a list*

I told my teens that my New Year's resolution was to give them more hugs. My son looked me dead in the eye and said, "But not in public, right?" So my 2023 mission is to give them "public hugs."

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

8-year-old: Time for a New Year's revolution.

Me: You mean "resolution."

8: ...

Clearly, she did not.

To succeed in human flight, all you need is the ability to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

My little cousin got bit by a spider and he started crying. I went to get something to soothe it but before I could walk out the door I heard him quietly say, "I can't handle the responsibility of being spiderman.

I've found that living in the 70's was a lot more fun than being in my 70's.

I have a civil engineering joke but it's still under construction.

I have an economics joke but it's not in demand.

I have a statistics joke but it's not significant.

I have a geography joke but I don't know where it is.

I'd tell a novelist joke but I'm at a loss for words.

I have an interpreter joke but it doesn't translate.

I have a soil joke but it's too dirty.

I could tell you a joke about sodium hypobromite, but NaBrO.

I have a trial law joke but it’s inadmissible.

I habe a yoke abou speling. Its oufool.

I had a chemistry joke but it didn't get any reaction.

I have a joke about working hard but I’m too tired to tell it.

I have a joke about a terrible boxer but the punchline needs work.

I have some unemployed jokes but they don't work.

I have a time travel joke but you didn’t like it.

I have an umbrella joke but it goes over everyone's head.

I have an acoustics joke but I hate the sound of it.

I have a joke about electricity but it's too shocking.

I have a psychological joke but it’s a bit crazy.

I had a camouflage joke but I couldn't find it.

I have a geology joke but it’s not rock solid.

I have a math joke but it's likely to cause division.

I have a musical joke but it doesn’t sound right!

I have an X-ray joke but you'll see right through it.

I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

Parenting tip: Only hike as far as you can carry all your children. 

I know this now.

Washing instructions: Hand wash only. 

Me: We’ll see about that.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of trash without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

Girls mature faster than guys because men don't usually develop breasts until their mid 40's.

Hey Alexa, can you check my bank balance and tell me which Apple product I can afford?

Alexa: Apple juice.

WANTED: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange. No weirdos!

People with siblings have better survival skills because they've had experience in physical combat, psychological warfare, and sensing suspicious activity.

Imagine the Olympics but instead of it being world class athletes it's just random people who get selected like jury duty.

You would get a letter informing you that you've been selected for the national gymnastics team and you have to do it.

It would be so much more entertaining.

If you suffered in life and want other people to suffer as you did because "you turned out fine", you in fact did not turn out fine.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. 

Thank God I'm Canadian. 

I see what he problem is here.

I'm talking in English, and you're listening in dumbass.

Every girl likes to be swept off her feet.

It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

Son: Mom, meet my girlfriend.

Mom: You deserve better than this.

Son: But mom, I love her.

Mom: I'm talking to her.

I said to the vicar, "Hello Father. This is a very nice old church. What period is it from?"

He said, "It's Norman".

I said, "Hello Norman. This is a very nice old church. What period is it from?"

Yesterday I met a girl that runs a battery kisok at our local park.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

When a woman laughs during an argument, please know that the psycho part of her brain has been activated.

Abort mission!

Police confirmed that the man who fell from the 18th floor of the building above the nightclub was not a bouncer.

Really proud of myself.

I haven't bought anything from Amazon this year.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

And so they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

What do you call it when 150 rabbits in a row jump backward at the same time? 

Receding hare line.

Eventually, the family automated the process. They installed a team of robot rabbits who would hop around and plant trees in their place. They weren't cheap, however, and they bought the corded rabbits and not the battery-powered ones. They had to install electrical outlets all over the forest. Now the problem is solved with the new hare plugs.

My hubby is bald but he has holes in his trouser pockets so he can still run his fingers through his hair.

A lawyer parks his Porsche by the side of the road when suddenly an out of control truck comes speeding down the road and scrapes along the side of the car completely tearing it up. The lawyer calls a policeman to complain and when the policeman arrives the lawyer starts fuming, "Do you know how much this car costs, how much it will cost to repair?" And the policeman says, "You lawyers really are obsessed with materialism, you're so upset about the damage to your expensive car that you haven't noticed that you've lost an arm", and the lawyer suddenly exclaims, "my Rolex!"

A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? 

One less drunk.

When my friend handed me a peach, I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

"Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic." 

"Sir, this is Triple A, not AA."

"I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake."

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

One thing about adulthood I was not prepared for was how many cardboard boxes I'd have to break down and throw away.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Dad: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?

Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.

Dad: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.

8-year-old to Dad: Do you have a favorite kid?

Dad: That would be like you having a favorite parent.

8yo: It's Mom.

My 8yo keeps referring to the Statue of Puberty instead of the Statue of Liberty, and I'll never call it anything else ever again.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

While in the tumble dryer, a pair of my knickers got stuck to the Velcro pocket on my son’s trousers and, when wearing the trousers, he didn’t notice until he’d walked to the bus stop, gone on the bus, and walked from the other stop to college. Only one of us thinks this is funny.

Help Doctor! I've broken my arm in three places!

Stop going to those places.

You have a fear of speed bumps?

Yeah, but I'm slowly getting over it.

"I've been a very bad girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."

"Very well," he said, and installed Windows Vista on her laptop.