5774 - Saturday jokes

I learn from the mistakes of people that take my advice.

People will watch you pour out your cup until it's empty... instead of refilling your cup... they knock the cup out ya hand....

Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching Peppa Pig on repeat.

A job is expensive & time consuming. You won't realize it until you retire.

I’m considering becoming a mind reader... What are your thoughts?

There has to be a job with little to no human interaction. There HAS to be .......

My mom has trained her unruly 5th grade class to respond to “hear ye hear ye” with “all hail the queen” followed by immediate silence.

I’m both appalled and impressed.

I like to keep a corner of my classroom as a safe place for crying or tantrums. Now I just have to make a spot for the kids too.

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says, “I’ll have a whisky please.”

The barman says, “Bells alright?”

Quasimodo replies, “Mind your own business.”

(Bells is a brand of Whisky)

Man: Any idea how my house burned down?

Fireman: Fireworks.

Man: Yeah, I guess it does.

Why do professional athletes think that I sould care about what they think?

If I want advice from someone who chases a ball, I'll ask my dog.

1996: Don't talk to internet strangers.

Now: Almost all of my friends are internet strangers.

The only real parenting hack is to live close to the grandparents.

There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else.

Welsh women used to curse people by falling to their knees, pulling out their breasts, and screaming obscenities at the person.

It's sad how we let traditions die.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

(Never name your daughter 'Community Service'.)

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend. So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out? 

Marriage is where you gasp while your wife is driving and she gets super annoyed over and over.

I can rise and shine. Just not at the same time.

Her: Why are you always so depressed.

Him: I'm an archaeologist. My life is in ruins.

The longer I live, the more convinced I am that this planet is used by other planets as a lunatic asylum.

I'm not going outside until the temperature is above my age.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren't invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

My husband just told me he wants a divorce.

Actually his exact words were, "I think it would be cool for the whole family to live in an RV and travel the country for a year."

Once you start dressing for comfort there's no turning back.

I want a t-shirt that has a QR code on it for some kind of nasty malware so that if anyone ever tries to film me in public, their phone will scan the code and be reduced to a functionless brick.

Sometimes I tell myself, "Get off the computer and get some things done".

Then I tell myself, "Be quiet".

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming affect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

(What a dope-a-meme.)

Where do rainbows go when they're bad?

  I have no idea.

Prism.

  Really?

Yeah, but it's a light sentence.