5788 - Saturday jokes

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound...

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

(in the comments)

issue

sure

fissure

tissue

erasure

closure

We do this not because it's easy,

but because we thought it would be easy.

Am I perfect?

NO!

But am I striving to be a better person every day?

Also NO!

My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

😄 Casual but fun.

😳 Casual butt fun.

My wife said we don't have to buy each other anything for Valentine's Day.

Just in case this is a trap, I bought her one of everything.

Friends don’t turn into enemies. Your enemies just stopped pretending to be your friends.

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature." (Steven Wright)

Her: tell me something I don't know.

Him: The first letter of a sentence is always a capital.

Me: I'm afraid of the Backstreet Boys.

Therapist: Tell me why.

Me: 😱

Her1: I sleep with my husband three times a week.

Her2: I only do so once a week.

Her1: But you don't have a husband.

Her2: Oh, I thought we were talking about your husband.

My phone is always on silent, I don't even know if I have a ringtone. If someone ever needs to contact me in an emergency, I suggest you call someone else.

Them: All you do is listen to music and stare at memes by yourself. What kind of life is that?

Me: It's a peaceful life.

-picture of a dog-

MISSING DOG

*I miss my dog

*He's not gone or anything

*And I'm here at school

*Enjoy the picture of him

You cannot just throw money at problems and expect them to go away. Unless I'm the problem. In that case, throw away!

Now that Netflix is cracking down on password sharing, people are really going to know where they stand with their family and friends.

The older I get the more I realize the movie "Grumpy Old Men" is a training video.

You don't become cooler with age but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way to actually be cool. The geezer's paradox.

A Pastor was touring his church with a visitor. 

The visitor said, "Nice church, how many does it sleep?"

Today, I'm really gonna give it my nothing.

Asking someone, "Why are you so quiet?", has never turned an introvert into an extrovert.

So maybe stop doing that.

We squint at the sun because it's bright.

We squint at people because they're not.

So, you don't like me when I'm drunk?

We're even then, because I don't like you when I'm sober.

Every time a cashier asks if I found everything okay I lie and say yes just so there won't be more questions.

If I was accidentally weird to you once just know I will be thinking about it every night for the next 20 years.

Introvert me is pissed off at yesterday me for trying to be an extrovert for 5 minutes and accidentally making plans for today.

1st rule of any social gathering is always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want.

Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.

Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.

Me: We’re skipping both, right?

Wife: Obviously.

I'm not much on seizing the day.

I just kinda poke it with a stick.

According to Matt Gaetz, George Soros is behind the Hunter Biden laptop, and all of the other Democrat sinister moves.

But the hard drive can no longer be read, as it was zapped by the Secret Jewish Space Laser per Joe Biden's request.

Don't be part of the problem.

Go for the gusto and be the entire problem.

Lauren Boebert: “I’m not here to deny climate change. It’s real. It happens 4 times every year.” Facepalm!

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s still bakmagma.

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as a treatment for sunburns.

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night.

(Our resident dermatologists don’t recommend this as a treatment for sunburn unless you have the dick of Thor.)

(If your sunburn came from a nude beach, you might already have a thor dick.)

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe flop.

(I can't decide if I like this or not. I keep philippe philopping.)

A man has been shot with a starter pistol at London Stadium.

Police don't think it's race-related.

Besides, there are too many suspects.

And after the gun was fired they all ran.

What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?

Hooker says, "Are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "You're done already?"

Your wife says, "Beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

What’s blue and isn’t heavy?

Light blue.

(Was sure the answer was going to be a premature baby.)

Forrest Gump's girlfriend wasn't a baby boomer,

she was Gen-A.

Made love to the wife last night, just like they do in the movies.

I was fast, she was furious.

What happened when Jeffery Epstein tried to high-five a guard?

They left him hanging.

My wife has a successful Onlyfans account!

I'm not sure how to tell her.

If laziness was an Olympic sport,

I'd do my best to come in fourth, 

so I didn't have to climb onto the podium.

Deb was responding to an attorney's filing but her heart just wasn't in it.

You could say she was just going through the motions.