5795 - Saturday jokes

Confidence is stepping on the scale with your shoes on.

The older I get the more I'm becoming all of the seven dwarfs.

A guy should never date a woman who doesn't respect his wife.

A good mood is like a balloon.

One little prick is all it takes to ruin it.

Finally, your child develops a sick sense of humor, so now there are two people laughing inappropriately.

When older people say, enjoy them while they're young, they're talking about your knees and hips, not your kids.

Sometimes, late at night, I dig a hole in the backyard just to keep the nosey neighbors guessing.

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens? 

An HOA.

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

He says, "I'm a turtle".

"Who's on your back?"

"That's Michelle".

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. 

It sounds pleasant. 

I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make. (absolutely!)

My closet has 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 2 shirts I wear every other day.

Went into Target for a couple items and my wife said “let’s not get a cart” and then we laughed and laughed and grabbed two just in case.

It's not how close you park to the store entrance that matters, it's how close you park to the cart return.

Never anticipated how much of adulthood would just be unsubscribing from emails and breaking down Amazon boxes.

The medical advancement I’m most looking forward to is not having to hand fill out the same 35 forms every time I see the doctor.

DATING: Can’t wait to see you again.

MARRIAGE: Part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night.

Reached the age where I can’t tell if I sustained an injury or that’s just how I am now.

I was driving and thought I saw one of those mysterious white balloons coming at me.

Turns out it was bird shit on my windshield.

Russia just warned its citizens that Canada is an unsafe place for them to visit. 

I guess Vladimir heard Canadians eat Putin with gravy and cheese. 

I was driving along and saw a suitcase on the side of the road, so I pulled over to investigate.

When I opened it up I saw a family of badgers.

I immediately pulled my phone out and rang the Animal Rescue number.

“Hi, I’ve just found a family of badgers in a suitcase.”

“Are they alive?”

“No idea, I’m not a vet.”

“Well, are they moving?”

“Oh yeah, good point. That explains the suitcase.”

Customer: I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.

Me: Sorry, we only take cash.

Manager: Can I talk to you.

Therapist: Your wife says that you never buy her flowers.

Him: I never knew she sold flowers.

Every time you talk to your wife you should remind yourself...

'This conversation will be recorded for purposes you will find out about later.'

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside, but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

"I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms of statues in other museums." -- Steven Wright

I don't usually feel old, but I just realized that when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

My wife and I had to investigate why we don't have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

Marry a short gal and keep your guns on the top shelf.

She still might get ya, but you'll hear her dragging the chair across the floor.

15 years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world.

Today the real world is an escape from the internet.

Back in my day, we didn't have cup holders in our cars.

When we were driving we had to hold our beer between our legs.

Soup is witchcraft. You put plants, spices, and dead animals into a cauldron and follow instructions written by old people.

Adulting is a soup and I'm a fork.

Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of a kid losing a balloon.

The population of Ireland's capital city is really growing.

In fact, it's Dublin.

I promised myself I'd do things a little differently tonight.

So I'm sitting at the other end of the couch.

I see Mcdonald's is selling a pickle covered in raw batter.

They call it the Mc Dill Dough.

Girl: I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe for my birthday.

Mom: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?

Girl: No, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

My body is not a temple.

It's a federation starship with critical hull damage and shields down to 15%.

The older you get the more things become whatchamacallits.