5802 - Saturday jokes

Most of my decisions are based on whether or not it's illegal or merely frowned upon.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

Her husband said, "Doc! What's wrong?" 

The doctor replied, “Don’t worry, Those are just contractions.” 

Accountability looks like persecution to people who are rarely held accountable.

Quote from Shaquille O'Neal...

I can't end my messages with "Love, Shaq", the B-52s ruined that for me.

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips.

Yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

A Radiohead crowd left red-faced after applauding a three-minute guitar tuning, mistaking it for a new song.

Doc: We accidentally amputated your genitals.

Him: WTF!

Doc: Ma'am, you need to calm down.

The two reactions I get to my sense of humor are...

People who know me... BWAHAHAHAHA

People who don't... WTF is wrong with you?

When your inner dark humor accidentally comes out in front of someone...

"That wasn't me!"

Bail bond commercial...

"We'll have you out before the soap hits the floor".

I like when the weather turns ugly because it makes the decision I already made to not leave the house for the whole day seem way more reasonable.

If you don't tell me I'm on speakerphone, then I'm not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Mother nature is throwing out temperatures like Power Ball Numbers; 66, 40, 29, 58, 24, and 13.

Two elderly women had been friends for decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of adventures together.

Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, as they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said, "Please don't be angry with me... I know we have been friends for a long time.... but I just can't think of your name.

"I've thought and thought and I just can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is!"

Her friend glared at her for a good three minutes. She just stared at her, and finally said, "How soon do you need to know?"

No one goes to Target because they need something. You go to Target and let Target tell you what you need.

If I complain about being out of shape I don’t actually want fitness tips and workouts to try. I just want to complain and remain out of shape. What is wrong with you people.

I'm just someone, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area.

I have an uncle who’s allergic to cotton. He has pills for it, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.

—Steven Wright

I love social media. Back in my day, I had to insult people one at a time.

Our 13yo: What class are we in?

Me: What do you mean?

13yo: You know, like lower class, middle class, upper class.

Me: Oh, we're working class. Those other classes were made up by the owning class to divide the working class.

I've often struggled with sociability.

I don't trust extroverts.

What are they so happy about?

Her: Hey, this is the same Valentine's card you gave me last year!

Him: That's because my feelings for you haven't changed.

Her: You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.

Him: I didn't expect to live this long.

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I have an eerie feeling that I’ve forgotten this before." -- Steven Wright

Her: I'm sorry Daddy, I've been a bad girl.

Priest: For the last time, it's "forgive me Father for I have sinned."

My nephew told his teacher that his mom is on parole.

She's on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

PATROL!

I walk around like everything is fine.

But deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Her: The mechanic asked if I needed to call my husband before buying new tires for my car, so I asked him where the rotary phone was so I could call the 1950s.

Dear football players, the men who haven’t gotten off the couch today would like to know why you didn’t catch that ball.

My husband: I don’t want a dog. We don’t need a dog. We don’t have time for one. 

My husband 2 years later: I read an article about dogs' emotional well-being & we should stop saying goodbye when we leave because Truffle will be sad. We don’t want her to worry when we’re out.

Scientists should stop analyzing animal intelligence and start studying human stupidity.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self-service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I don't get it. My wife asked me to take her to a restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you so I took her to Subway (I had coupons) and even sprung for a combo meal and now she's not talking to me.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus today.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Picked up my sons from school and stopped to get gas. I invited them to get out of the car and learn how to do it. 

"Thanks for the life lesson, but I'll never drive a gas car," 13yo says. "This is like the time you showed us how a payphone works."

I ate a bunch of cookies but at least I was thinking about salad.

Dr. Franlenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

"I think it is terrible how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved by winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike." ... Willie Nelson

Driver: What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?

Cop: Keep it. When you collect four of them you get a bicycle.

Scientists say dogs lick us because we have bones inside of us and they want them.

Commenter: Hmmm, I thought dogs lick people because people taste like dog balls.

Word of the day is 'latibulate" (17th century): to hide in a corner in an attempt to escape reality.

Comment: OK, well we're bringing that word back!

I know I don't have to be sarcastic...

But the world has given me so much material to work with, I would hate to be wasteful.

I went to a general store. I was after a specific item so they wouldn't let me in.

Apparently, when you treat people like they treat you, they get upset.

What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane? 

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid. 

I can't afford an Ancestry DNA kit to learn about my relatives.

So I just posted online that I won the lottery.

I think it's adorable they're putting jokes on the side of snacks now. 

Like this one; serving size: 3 cookies.

When do accountants fall over?

When they lose their balance.

Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. 

I also think he tried to bite me.

I totally expect my last words to be, "Hey, what's this button do?"

If you're trying to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a food truck.

I can't decide what pants to put on today, smarty or fancy.

Bruce Lee was fast.

But his brother Sudden was faster.