5810 - Saturday jokes

Why did the chicken cross the playground? 

To get to the other slide.

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs!

Him: They're golden retrievers, Karen! They retrieve gold! I did this for us!

Chuck Norris killed 50 enemy combatants with a grenade.

Then the grenade exploded.

Did you know that when Superman goes down on Lois Lane, he changes metallurgically from the man of steel to the man of tungsten?

I guess you gotta be careful around everyone these days. I was walking out of Walmart yesterday and some guy walks toward me and pulls out scissors! I'm so happy I was fast enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock, cause if I had pulled out paper, I'd have lost that one!

Televangelist: ‘I am God’s paywall’.

If pizza parties are an adequate reward for hard work or extraordinary accomplishment, why aren't they a bigger part of CEO compensation?

"Exciting news! We've replaced your private jet package with a pizza party!"

A goose's beak is comprised of four elements; Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

H O N K

The reason Canadians are so nice is easily explained.

Once a year, on the sixth full moon, all Canadians gather together beneath the stars to perform a ritual that sucks out all of their meanness and cruelty and places it into Canada Geese.

"If teachers are going to be armed, will librarians have to use silencers?" -- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. — Steven Wright\

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? — Steven Wright

"Jesus pissed off a lot of people. Hey, would you stop turning water into wine, I'm trying to take a shower." -- Steven Wright

For a while, I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter, but no place to park it. 

So I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. — Steven Wright

How come no other animal apart from humans needs glasses?

Do you think there's a cow out there somewhere that is near sighted and no one knows?

Utter shame, man. Utter shame.

The antiswearing crowd is so fucking weird.

I don't think women should have kids after 35. 

That's just too many kids.

I can't be held responsible for anything my face does when you speak.

Looking to buy a lighthouse to live in.

Nothing flashy.

Boss: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Look, I'm just trying to make it to Friday.

Her: My husband is the boss and he has my permission to say so.

Awe shit maaaan...

I thought ASAP meant As Stoned As Possible!

EVER WONDER WHY WOMEN GAIN WEIGHT AFTER MARRIAGE?

WHEN SINGLE A WOMAN COMES HOME, LOOKS AT WHAT'S IN THE REFRIGERATOR, AND DECIDES TO JUST GO TO BED.

WHEN MARRIED A WOMAN COMES HOME, LOOKS AT WHAT'S IN THE BED, AND THEN GOES AND CHECKS OUT THE REFRIGERATOR.

If my body was a car I'd trade it in for a new model.

Every time I cough or sneeze, my radiator leaks, and my exhaust backfires.

A chandelier fell on me.

I went to the hospital with a light concussion.

I used to be a people person but people ruined that for me.