5817 - Saturday jokes

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Last week it seemed like jokes were few and far between. This week jokes exploded.

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Him: What's the fastest way to the airport?

Me: Are you driving or walking?

Him: Driving.

Me: Well that's definitely the fastest.

When Commander Data malfunctions,

is it, Data is sick, or Data are sick?

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I had a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Patient: I applied the hemorrhoid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a nasty reaction.

Nurse: Where exactly did you apply it?

Patient: On the bus.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? 

A rash of good luck.

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day.

So far, I'm about 4 years ahead of schedule.

Relish today!

Ketchup tomorrow.

I got a job sketching suspects for the police.

I'm a con artist.

My brother was engaged two times, but he didn’t get married either time. 

He’s had a couple near Mrs.

I got a baby frog and decided to get a DNA test for it.

He turned out to be mostly Irish, a little bit Italian, somewhat German, and a tad Pole.

I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just yarn.

It's dead yarn now, though.

He's a mix between a bulldog and a shih tzu, so the breed is called...

Don't say it!

I turned down a job where I’d be paid in vegetables.

The celery was unacceptable.

I've been told that I need professional help.

So I'm looking for a Butler, a Maid, and a Chauffeur.

We fell seriously behind construction schedule today just because one of the roofers didn’t show. 

He has the shingles.

I'm thinking of having an OCD meeting at my house.  

I don't have OCD, but I hope they will have an overwhelming urge to start cleaning. 

Have you heard of the new restaurant that just opened it’s called KARMA? 

They have no menu. You get only what you deserve.

I really got in touch with my inner self today. 

Last time I buy toilet paper at the Dollar Store.

I ran out of toilet paper.

I've been using old newspapers.

Yup, The Times are rough.

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start the day.

I read books from the back page forwards.

I don't like surprises.

As I watched the dog chase his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused.

Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

I may not be that funny, or athletic, or good-looking, or smart, or talented, or musical, or psychic, or not…… I forgot where I was going with this.

Everett Vacuum Company...

Everything we sell sucks.

My son asked what taxes are. So I gave him a bag of M&Ms and explained that he has to give some to me. I know how much he has to give me but he has to guess himself and if he guesses wrong he goes to prison.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed.

Everybody.

Her: At least take me out to dinner.

Him: I don't go out with married women, sorry.

Her: But I'm your wife!

Him: Sorry, no exceptions.

Her: Do you guys know where I could get one of those necklaces with the t on it?

Them: That's a cross.

Her: Across from where?

Raise your hand if someone is alive today because you didn't want to go to prison.

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while, he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?' 

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember anymore. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.' 

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that was hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?' 

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped onto the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't think so. 

A 3-foot-4-inch tall man knocked at my door this morning.

I said: "Who are you?"

He said: "I'm the meter man".

I wonder what chairs think about all day...

Geez! Here comes another asshole!

I just bought a pair of Meatloaf knickers.

On the front, it says, 'I will do anything for love'.

On the back it says, 'But I won't do that'.

John Lennon: "Imagine there's no heaven".

God: "Imagine there's no John Lennon".

Picture Johnny jogging.

Picture Johnny jogging two weeks later looking the same.

In two weeks, Johnny has lost two weeks.

A wife strips naked in front of her husband and says, " When I did this thirty years ago, what did you think?"

He says, "I was thinking I wanted to suck your tits dry and screw your brains out".

She asks (don't do it don't do it!!!), "And what are you thinking now?" (Aw shit, she asked)

He says, "Looks like I did a good job".

Him: I want some pussy juice running down my face.

Her: Then you should start crying.

Pineapple goes on pizza just like tongues go into assholes.

It's not for everyone but those who enjoy it are a bit more sophisticated.

How to cancel any service without the annoying back and forth...

Them: Bla bla bla our service so we can resolve this for you.

You: I'm going to prison.

Them: Sorry to hear about that. Let me go ahead and cancel the service for you.

"Please rate how crazy you think I am on a scale of 1 to 10, 6 being the highest." -- Steven Wright

When I get really bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving. — Steven Wright

"I joined the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. Now, I go door to door telling folks I'm someone else." -- Steven Wright

Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his movies, but only for the crying parts.

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger. The stranger says, "Give me all your money and I'll let you live!" The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!" 

Pre means before, and post means after, to use both at the same time would be... preposterous! 

I saw my neighbor at the store today, so I asked how her husband was doing.

I didn't know he had died. She said, "He's gone."

I thought he'd gone on a trip.

So I said, "Why didn't you go with him?"

It's a good day. The bulb finally burned out on my check engine light.

I had a terrifying experience last night, I was alone in the house having a bath when all of a sudden...

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

The elephant said to the naked man: Cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

So I said to the girl at the Mini Mart checkout:

"Can you do this any cheaper? It's got today's date on it."

She said, "Look Mister, do you want the newspaper or not?"

You know when you lay on the floor to do a sit-up but realize you can't do a sit-up and now you can't get up either?

How many times do I have to click "I accept cookies" before I'm sent cookies?!