5824 - Saturday jokes

I used to be a fan, but after ************** I’m a whole air conditioner. (make a joke)

To stay out of hot water when brewing up a pun it's best to use subtle tea.

A kid's mom fell and hit her head last night. The kid texted the dad in the morning asking for an update and this is what happened...

Kid: How is mom's head?

Dad: I've had better.

“Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan” 

Son: Dad you were a cook.

Dad: Never said I was a good one.

Those who want us to work to age 70 and the ones who won't hire us after age 50 are the same people.

I love DST, it makes whiny people mad and that brings me joy.

When my wife was pregnant I asked the midwife how many babies she had to deliver to become a fullwife.

Watching the chickens move about the yard is very relaxing.

Like poultry in motion.

My wife said, "Is it me, or is the dog getting fat"? 

Apparently, "It's not the dog", was the wrong answer.

I'm nearly finished my diploma in sandwich making. 

I've got my final eggs ham tomorrow.

The inventor of the catalytic converter worked tirelessly perfecting the design.

He was a man on emission.

You might be an Engineer if:

...Choosing to buy flowers for your wife or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

...You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

...The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.

...At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

...You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

...You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

...You sit backward on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

...You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

...You know what https:// stands for.

...You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.

...You see a good design and still have to change it.

...You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

...You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

...You window shop at Radio Shack.

...You can't explain what you do for a living without PowerPoint.

...Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

...You've already calculated how much you make per second.

...You've tried to repair a $5 radio.

...You know the second law of thermodynamics but not your shirt size.

...You repair your own cameras, telephones, televisions, and automatic transmissions.

...You say "it's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 21 degrees Celsius, and 294 Kelvin."

...You checked to make sure the temperatures in the previous sentence are all equal.

...You make four sets of drawings and seven revisions before making a bird bath.

...You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.

...Your briefcase contains a screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics" and half a sandwich.

...Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.

...You ever burned down the school gym with your Science Fair project.

...You can translate English to Binary.

...Your IQ is more than your weight.

...You can name every Star Trek episode.

...You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

...You have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.

...You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is".

...You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

...You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

...You print a copy of this list and post it on your door.

...You were more interested in the ultrasound equipment used on your wife than the results.

...Your ISP is the cable company and their internet tech support doesn't understand your questions.

...If asked if the glass is half empty or half full, you respond with "The glass was designed wrong".

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?

A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

I love when customers at work say "compliments to the chef". I tell them, "Sir, we don't have a chef. That's Tyler back there, he's 17 and stoned out of his mind, been cooking for 3 weeks, but I'll tell him".

I don't know which is longer, a microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

That awkward moment when you're 'protecting' children from drag,

but not from being killed in school.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. 

"My nephew suffers from HDADD, High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder.  He can barely focus but when he does it’s unbelievably clear." -- Steven Wright

I started jogging today. I didn't want to, but the ice cream truck didn't stop.

I don't need a mood ring. I have a face.

Me: *doing bicep curls with a dictionary*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Getting more definition in my muscles.

I turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for 20 minutes.

My mom didn't raise a dummy, and if she did it was my brother.

We named our baby, Butter.

We got a call from the hospital saying that we took the wrong baby!

We can’t believe it’s not Butter!

If it weren’t for the invention of Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

Do you know about Post Malone?

  Yeah, he's a rapper.

Well, do you know about Ho Malone?

  No.

It's a classic Christmas movie.

Of the multitude of foods that taste like chicken, I find it ironic that eggs don't.

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on the triangle disappeared.

Roger Daltrey, Pete Townsend, and John Entwistle broke into an animal hospital and released all the canines.

Authorities said they have proof that Who let the dogs out.

I didn't mean to gain weight.

It happened by snaccident.

Tattoo - SWEET PEE

Spelling matters!

One mistake and it's urined.

I am certain some of you think that I am an idiot.

I will have moron that later.

Other people: You look so unapproachable.

Me: And yet, here you are.

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

Nurse: The doctor would like a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.

Deaf husband: What did she say?

Wife: They want your underwear. 

Doctor: No, you're not retaining water. You seem to be retaining food.