5831 - Saturday jokes

I invented a thought controlled air freshener.

   That's ridiculous.

It makes scents when you think about it.

I entered the world kleptomaniac championships.

I took gold, silver, and bronze.

They're currently excavating the largest known dinosaur tibia to date.

It's a real shindig.

Obi Wan Cannoli...

Metaphors be with you.

Looking for someone to take couples therapy to see how long it takes the therapist to notice we don't know each other.

"She was wearing unscented perfume. It came in a little empty bottle." -- Steven Wright

Stop thinking you're ugly.

You are, just stop thinking about it.

Antijoke...

A comedian can’t tell a Knock Knock Joke anymore because people will say you must hate the homeless because they don’t have DOORS.

HA!

Knock knock. Who's there? Says. Says who? Says me, that's who!

Knock knock. Who's there? I am. I am who? I am who is knocking. Who are you?

Knock knock. Who's there? Art. Art who? R2D2 is my favorite droid in Star Wars!

Knock knock. Who's there? Weekend. Weekend who? Weekend do anything we want!

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu...

Me: Oh, problem, definitely.

Them: That wasn't... it was a retorica...

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem funnier than it already is!

I always pay my homeopathics with an envelope that used to contain money.

Headline...

Man survives bank failure by not having any money in the first place.

It's amazing how fast your mood can change when you step in water with your socks on.

"That's what." - She

Alexa... remind me what I came in this room for.

When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

Frog at a bar: I'll have a jar of butt light.

Bartender: They're called fireflies.

How do you make a waterbed even more bouncy?

Use spring water.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I don't always be like that,

But sometimes I do.

All of those galaxies with trillions of planets and we end up on one with a 40-hour work week.

When someone's telling you a sad story and crying, how long should you wait before taking a bite of your donut.

The last day of this year will be 123123.

A reminder that the reason you have allergies is... treegasms!

There is a flower called the clitoria.

Five dollars says a female scientist found it.

Ten dollars says male scientists are still looking for it.

At the fifth-grade science fair.

"Sorry, Curtis. Igniting your farts does not constitute a science project"

(YES IT DOES!!!)

Julius Caesar died in an ideal way, surrounded by friends.

A joke from M*A*S*H*:

Winchester: "As a boy, I dissected frogs."

Pierce: "We all did that, Charles."

Winchester: "Yes, but I could put mine back together, and they worked."

Whenever you're having a bad day just remember,

someone just fell trying to put on their underwear.

So I went to a French restaurant last night and I ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.

When It came there was no meat just the carcass.

I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!" 

"She said: "It's the boney part". 

The doctor asked me: "How do you sleep?" 

"Well, I start by closing my eyes".

I'm currently reading a book called 'There's a hole in my bucket!'

By Lee King.

I've been hiding from exercise...

I'm in the fitness protection program.

If you aren't happy single, you won't be happy married.

Happiness comes from food, not relationships.

I don't do drugs or drink.

At my age, I get the same effect by standing up too fast.

Customer: Do you have Viagra for women?

Pharmacist: Jewelry store, across the street.

It's exhausting being awake.

I think I figured out why our generation is common sense smart.

We had Lawn Darts to take out the stupid ones.

I just found out that my life is based on a true story.

Dentist: Helium gas?

Patient: Will it kill the pain?

Dentist: No, but when you scream, it's funny as hell.

Clark Kent was lying on his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman! Even if you didn’t know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.”

“Oh thank God!” said Lois. “ I can’t tell you what a weight that is off my chest.”

“Glad we cleared that up,” said Clark.

“So I guess this means you were Batman too.”

I just invented a car that only moves when the driver is silent.

I mean, it goes without saying…

There used to be a mechanic shop in San Diego called “Car Men”.

Now we don’t know where in the world it is.

I ran into Rick Astley today.

He borrowed my copy of Disney's "Up", but I doubt I'll ever see it again.

There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

I have a friend who works as security at a well-known lingerie store.

He prefers to say he's part of the Victoria's Secret Service.

I asked my friend to say 'won ton' backward.

He said, “not now”.

Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.

I hate being a dwarf.

I did that ancestry DNA thing and it came back that I was 20% American Indian. It makes sense because after I went to prom it rained for 2 weeks.

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of the nightclub was not a bouncer.

Sharks like chewing on undersea internet cables, so google wraps them in Kevlar.

So the question is, how do they get the sharks to hold still long enough to wrap them?

Out of all the inventions of the last century, the dry-erase board is probably the most remarkable.

I saw a sign at a farm that said, "duck, eggs".

I was contemplating the use of the comma when one hit me.

I hate when people say it's a quarter till 9pm. Man, just say it's 8:75pm.

Finally quit drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

Just found out that the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

A priest said to his friend, "I think a member of my church stole my bike, what should I do?" His friend said, "The next time you have mass preach on the ten commandments, and when you get to thou shalt not steal, maybe the guilty party will return your bike." That Monday the priest's friend asked him, "Did the guilty return your bike?" "Sort of", replied the priest, "when I got to the part that said thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike!"

In 2030 commercials will be like this...

"Were you or someone you love overly exposed to hand sanitizer, Lysol, or bleach during the 2020 Covid-19 pandemic? If so you may be eligible for compensation."

I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?

Stationary.