5838 - Saturday jokes

Too many birthdays can kill you.

Senior bumper sticker...

I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going.

Waitress: Welcome to the karma Cafe.

Me: What's on the menu?

Waitress: Just desserts.

Tough day on Facebook. I still don't know what you're supposed to comment under a photo of a new baby, but I've learned it isn't 'Yikes!'.

At the age of 75, Arnold Schwarzenegger is amazing in the new Terminator film.

The only difference is his catchphrase which has been changed to...

"Arrhh my back!"

"I got a paper cut writing my suicide note. It’s a start." -- Steven Wright

"The other day, I took my dog for a walk. We went from Boston to Florida. I said, 'There, you're done.'" -- Steven Wright

I was walking down the sidewalk when I tripped and fell. My glasses prescription had run out.

I'm not lazy. I'm in my energy saving mode.

I went to a tourist information booth and said, "Tell me about some people who were here last year.” — Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. — Steven Wright

"Sarcasm doesn't get you anywhere".

Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in 1998.

"Really?"

Me: No.

Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs.

It's because they are Inca hoots.

My friend Miles just moved to Canada.

Now he calls himself “Kilometers”.

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. 

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Everything on earth is either a potato or not a potato. 

If you lined up all the elephants in the world from the earth to the moon, they would all die and space would be littered with dead elephants.

What do you think Princess Diana would be doing now if she was alive?

Probably trying to get out of her coffin.

“Human Cannonball” is the only job where being employed means getting fired.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of himself. 

He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." 

I said, "Every picture is of you when you were younger."

(I didn't check for repeats.)

Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply

Once you've read the dictionary, every other book is just a remix

House arrest is basically being grounded by the government

Halloween is just one huge cosplay convention

The human race will never become extinct during anyone's lifetime

If you cut your thumb off, you lose your middle finger

If you turn up the volume enough, everything is noise canceling

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that's technically a dream come true

Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything

If the opposite of pro is con, then the opposite of progress is Congress

Every time you paint a house, it gets bigger, but every time you paint a room, it gets smaller

When someone asks "which way to the beach?" you can literally point any direction and be correct

If a serial killer is chasing you, you're both running for your life

There is no physical evidence to say that today is whatever day it is, we just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one ever

If humans go extinct, literally no human will care

People are made up of atoms, and when you die your atoms go off and become other things. This means that every girl would most likely be made up of atoms that were once in a guy, so if you bang her, you are technically banging a guy, and that's gay

If your parachute doesn't deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it

You spend your whole life gathering guests for your funeral

Every second of pain you endure is one less second of pain you have to endure

Greater than 2 infinity = two infinity and beyond

Most people think that t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead

A drug dealer is a freelance unlicensed pharmacist

You have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the clock

The best barber can never receive the best haircut

An egg is one of the most popular forms of child to eat

Based on statistical evidence, I'm immortal...I haven't died yet

Deaf people that are missing a finger have a speech impediment

Cheese is a loaf of milk

Beer is the liquid form of bread

If you marry a widow who already has a grown-up daughter, and your father marries the widow's grown-up daughter. Now the widow's daughter becomes your mother. Since your mother's mother is your wife, your wife is also your grandmother. As the husband of your grandmother, you become your own grandpa.

By shoplifting, you get a free ride in a police car. Lucky winners also get their names in the newspaper for their friends and family to see.

If you're defusing a bomb, you're either right, or it's not your problem anymore

If you build a man a fire, he stays warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he stays warm for the rest of his life

You don't wash your hands, they wash each other, and you just sit there and watch

Cigarette companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their future customers

If you swallow Scrabble tiles, your next shit might spell disaster

Plants are farming us, by giving us all oxygen daily, until we all eventually decompose so they can consume us

All languages travel at the speed of sound, except sign language which travels at the speed of light

Mars is the only known planet solely inhabited by robots

If Adam and Eve had a fight, it would've been a world war

If someone calls you a 10/10, they're calling you a 1

An example of rock paper scissors would be baby oil, baby, condom: baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby

To raise a child, tape them to the ceiling

Bottled water companies don't produce water, they produce plastic bottles

You can't live in an abandoned house

When you're dead, you don't even know that you're dead, it's only pain for others. Same thing when you're stupid

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They must be changed regularly for the same reason

It's not drinking alone if you're pregnant unless you do it too much

Glasses make you look smarter, but you have to fail a test to get them

A firefly is the opposite of a waterfall

Bats are mammals so batman is technically a furry

Coffee is bean tea and bath water is human tea

If you have 1 lasagna and put it on top of another lasagna, you'd still only have 1 lasagna

Night is just earth in dark mode

If weed is a plant instead of a drug, some drug dealers are actually florists

Sleeping is like getting a free trial of being dead every night

People with beards are just people without beards, with beards

Did you know that 100% of divorces start with marriage?

Why is there no pregnant Barbie doll? 

Because Ken came in another box.

70% of German shepherds are dogs.

If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd probably wonder where all the nickels came from.

I was once the youngest person on earth.

Friends are like trees, they fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

I once ordered a large fry at McDonald’s. Instead, they gave me 100 little ones.

I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear in bubbles above our heads.

Today at the hardware store I saw a man pushing a cart, and in the cart was a little white dog with a pink bow on its head. The man’s wife was walking a few feet behind.

When they got closer, I said to the man, “That’s great that she can come along with you. She’s so calm.”

He said, “She’s doing good today. Usually, she lets out smelly farts and growls at people.”

I said, “Oh, I was talking about your wife.”

He said, “Yeah, so was I.”

A pastor interrupts a sermon to ask 3 men in the front row, "What would you want your loved ones to say as they are looking down at you in your coffin.

John: That I was a good husband and father.

Bill: That I lived a good life of kindness to others.

Mike: Look! He's moving!

If a snail loses his shell, will he move faster or just become sluggish?

If I complain about being out of shape, I don’t actually want fitness tips and workouts to try. I just want to complain and remain out of shape. What is wrong with you people?!

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol." -- Steven Wright

What happens after you die?

Lots of things happen after you die.

They just don't involve you.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Well, my winter fat is gone, and now I have spring rolls.

Here's some faulty humor...

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

I don't know, but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"

Husband: "No, I don’t! In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine."

I just found a pen at work.

It must have been mine anyway because when I tried it, it was my handwriting.

My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues. 

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.