5845 - Saturday jokes

Doctor: I’m sorry, but I had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

Chase scenes in films will be extremely quiet once electric cars become mainstream.

The most dangerous kind of canoes are volcanoes.

(I lava this.)

I don't hate people.

I just feel better when they aren't around.

Never tell your problems to anyone.

80% don't care.

20% are glad you have them.

"I kept a diary when I was a baby. First day: 'Tired from the move.'" -- Steven Wright

Q to Arnold: So, you're not a Terminator anymore?

Arnold: Nope. I retired. Now I kill bugs. I'm an ex-Terminator.

A little girl goes up to her father and says, "Daddy talk like a frog".

Dad says, "Get out of here, talk like a frog." The next day again the little girl says, "Daddy talk like a frog." Dad says, "I told you yesterday beat it with the frog stuff." Again on the next day, she says to her dad, "Daddy please can you talk like a frog?" Her dad looks at her and says, "Okay what's going on, what's the big deal with this frog business, why do you want me to talk like a frog?" The little girl looks at him and says, "Because mommy said when you croak we get to move to Hawaii".

The other night I woke up and my house was on fire. I heard my children tiptoeing by in the hall and my wife saying, “Quiet kids, you’ll wake daddy.”

I paid $24.95 for a new diet book last month.

   Wow, what have you lost so far?

$24.95. -- Mike Peters, Mother Goose and Grimm

I love telling Dad jokes.

  Does he laugh?

...What??

Her: I'm easily attracted to men with power.

Me: I just paid my light bill!

Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.

Drat! I meant to post this somewhere else! 

Her: A guy just tried to mansplain to me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I'm well aware that it's the past tense of seahorse.

Always start your day with a positive attitude.

Me: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles.

April Fool's Day is over. Everything on the internet is true again!

Did you ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus but it's Sunday and you're 62?

"Me, me, me", said the narcissistic owl.

I don't always fart in Burger King,

but when I do,

it's a whopper.

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.

She was a mathemachicken.

It's Easter. This year I can hide my own eggs!

When should you go on a cheese diet?

When you need to cheddar a few pounds.

Due to the sick and twisted nature of people in this group, I am not leaving,

Don't test me...

I'll put you in the trunk and help people look for you.

One of my neighbors owns several cats. She introduced me to them.

"That's Astrophe, that's Erpillar, that's Aract, and that's Aloge."

I asked, "Where did those names come from?"

She said, "Oh, those are their last names. Their first names are Cat."

There was once a Kingdom of Dreen. A king was very popular among the people of the kingdom.

So popular, in fact, that even after marrying a princess from a nearby kingdom, he preferred to spend time with his friends.

It was not uncommon for visitors to call upon the royal residence, expecting to meet the King and Queen. Most of the time, to their surprise, visitors would meet just the Queen, who would roll her eyes and inform them - “The King is not here, he is out with his Dreen King buddies.”

Shout out to the people at the laundromat using their new iPhone 13.

You could have bought a washer and dryer for the same price.

So why did Adelle cross the road? 

So she could say Hello from the other side.

Better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.

The moment I became an ADULT was when I looked at a bag and thought, “This bag would be an awesome bag to put other bags in”.

What's the medical condition for needing to eat 30,000 calories right before bed every night?

Asking for a friend.

What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld? 

A new bus.

You don’t need religion to have a moral compass. You do need religion to cover up not having one.

I fully intend to haunt people when I die. I have a list.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.

Either the car is new or the wife is.

I was so tired last night I fell asleep next to the kitchen sink.

I'm totally drained this morning.

I was addicted to soap.

I'm clean now.

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers: "Yes but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair and I just wet mine."

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband."

Kangaroos are just deer that have been to prison.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a housewarming party.

Now, I'm homeless.

Hold my beer and watch this.

......

OK, I need my beer back.

We should start referring to age as levels, so when you're level 80, it sounds more badass than just being an old person.

Sign in front of a restaurant...

Come in and try the worst coffee one woman on trip advisor had in her life.

Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot?

Guy 2: It's really cool. Not even the fish know about it.

"Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?" -- Steven Wright

I’ve just started a new diet.

I look at people serving food instead of eating it.

It’s called Watch Waiters.

Show me a guy who throws the center of an apple away and another one who eats it and I’ll show you people with different core values.