5846 - Long joke Sunday plus

Jesus was hanging from the cross and he called out to Peter.

“Peter, I need to see you.”

Peter tried to get to the cross but the Roman soldiers fought him back.

Jesus again said, “Peter, please come here. I want to tell you something.”

Again Peter tries to fight his way through the guards but once again they stop him.

One more time, Jesus says, “Peter, please, I need to tell you something.

This time, Peter musters up all of his strength, manages to get past the guards, goes up to the cross, and says, “Yes my Lord, what do you want to tell me.”

Jesus replies, “I can see your house from up here.”

That was long joke Sunday. Now to continue on...

Jesus is playing a round of golf with Moses in Heaven and they come upon a water trap.

Jesus turns to Moses and asks, “Didn’t you do something with water once?” Moses says yeah, and proceeds to do the trick where he parts the waters.

Jesus is impressed, and Moses in turn asks, “Didn’t you also do something with water?”

Jesus says, “Yeah watch this” and proceeds to step out onto the water, but he sinks almost immediately to his knees. He gets out, gets a running start, and tries again, this time sinking to his waist. He comes out confused and embarrassed and Moses asks, “What was it you were trying to do?”

“I used to be able to walk on water,” Jesus replies.

“The last time you tried it,” Moses asks, “Did you have those holes in your feet?”

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, “Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone.”

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, “Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves.”

What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard cause I just got laid by some chick.

What’s the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang up the picture of Jesus.

Why wouldn’t you want to be an Easter egg?

You only get laid once.

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeeper three nails, and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”

I love Jesus.

He’s born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate.

I’m combining Easter and April Fool’s Day this year…

I’m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven’t hidden.

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg so I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

Why is Easter an Alzheimer's patient’s favorite holiday?

They get to hide their own eggs.

I feel sorry for Jesus. He spent most of his life trying to do good deeds, yet more people celebrate his death than Hitler’s.

I think it’s great that the supermarkets are doing ‘Buy One Get One Free’ on Easter eggs now.

It’s brilliant, because if you’re in a relationship, you can get one each for you and your partner, and if you’re a single woman, you can have both and try to eat away the loneliness.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”

Then I remember Jesus got crucified, so his decision making skills obviously weren’t brilliant.

How do you make Easter easier?

Replace the t with an i.

We celebrate Jesus brutally dying on the cross by getting a giant bunny rabbit to hide chocolate eggs.

I can’t help but feel there is a massive gap in information somewhere.

I woke up to find myself covered in smashed Easter eggs and a note from my wife saying, “You stupid, drunken idiot.”

That was some New Year’s party.

Nothing says “Enjoy your chocolate Easter eggs children” like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

I’m trying to give up innuendos for Lent, but it’s so long and it’s going to be so hard.

I’ve just seen someone’s gone to the trouble of putting up a sign outside a restaurant saying “Happy Easter” but they’ve left the ‘s’ out.

What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?

“Don’t touch my Easter eggs, I’ll be back on Monday.”