5852 - Saturday jokes

Old age has come at a bad time, just as I was beginning to know everything, I'm now forgetting everything I knew.

How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nudist colony?

You look for sesame seed buns.

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet".

Kid's meals are $250.

On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, planes, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to these Canadians?"

"Don't worry, I'll balance it out," said God. "Wait 'till you see the neighbors I'm giving them."

I don't like being asked, "Are you at home?"

Please expand further so I can know whether I'm at home or not.

I’m currently reading a book about a detective that solves crimes purely by chance.

It's about Sheerluck Holmes.

BREAKING NEWS!

Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley.

Now they're hoping to make buses and trains that run on thyme!

I am forever disappointed that chef Bobby Flay didn't name his daughter Sue.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” 

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” Harry replies, “A hand job.”

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops his penis and it's huge. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

Next girlfriend I get, I'm taking her EX out for a beer.

I need to hear both sides of the story.

Tennessee: where they respect Ancient Greece enough to build a fake Parthenon, but not enough to allow men to wear dresses.

You see, the universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.

I am on a light diet.

I eat by daylight, by moonlight, and sometimes, by refrigerator light.

To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in.

T-shirt...

Built in the Forties

   Original

     and

  Unrestored

Some parts still in

 working order

The difference between tequila and your opinion is I asked for tequila.

Having a girlfriend is like having a chicken as a pet.

Sooner or later you're going to want to eat it.

Her1: I met a guy last night who took my breath away.

Her2: Oh, did he ask you out?

Her1: No, he stole my oxygen tank!

 

I decided to go for a walk. My girlfriend said, "How long will you be gone?" I said, "The whole time." -- Steven Wright

Angry people who can't take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can.

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” 

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

I couldn't find a parking spot at my job so I left.

They've got enough people today.

A girl named IKEA had to change her name to stop being picked on at school.

But "Stop being picked on at school" is arguably a worse name.

After ignoring you for 20 minutes, you'd be surprised how quickly employees at Lowe's assist you when you try and start a chainsaw.

Kid Rock announced that he has decided to remove his entire music catalog from the 8-track section at Goodwill.

A home-schooling mom posted that her kid called her on her phone from his room and told her he missed the bus and won't be in today.

What is the difference between Americans and IT support? 

Americans don't have troubleshooting. 

Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.

What did the cockroach say to the man who was about to kill him?

"You're just jealous that I can make your wife scream louder than you can.

Older folks don't live in one-story houses because of aging limbs... 

It's because every time you go upstairs for something you forget what it was you wanted.

I meet someone...

We talk...

I explain that LEGO people live in houses made of their own flesh.

They leave...

I was really surprised when the stationary store moved.

I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.

"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.

"Not at all," I replied.

"Good," he said. 

"Take these 2 glasses of wine over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7".

I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when I'm quite clearly dilly-dallying.

This fella received a blank text from his wife.

When he got in from work he asked: "Why did you send me a blank text?"

She replied: "Because I'm not talking to you."

I ordered some fish at the fish shop this morning. I paid and I asked the assistant behind the counter to throw it to me.

He said, "Why?"

I said, "So I can say I caught it myself!"

Vegetarians live up to 9 years longer than meat eaters.

Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years.

Baloney is just hot dogs for people who like pancakes.

Kid Rock makes music for people who know exactly how much Sudafed you can get for a catalytic converter.