5859 - Saturday jokes

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has de udder.

You have only 1 birthday, the rest are congratulations for surviving.

The seats you choose in class decide your life.

The amount of people older than you never goes up.

Confidence is not “they will like me” - it’s “I’ll be fine if they don’t”.

The world wasn’t better when you were young, you were just too stupid to notice its flaws.

Dating is like an interview but takes a longer time to find the best match.

You’re the only person who’s heard everything you’ve ever said.

The only thing worse than having a job is looking for a job.

Worrying only means you suffer twice.

People can't take advantage of you if you are useless.

Steve: If I see the word "gaslight" one more time I might get off the internet.

Adia: You're not even seeing it that much. It's all in your head.

Mom: I couldn't decide if I wanted bangs or not so I cut bangs for my daughter. She looks awful. Dodged a bullet there.

Scientist: dick bug!

Other scientist: no

Scientist: penis beetle 

Other scientist: no

Scientist: cock roach 

Other scientist: OK sure

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle... volkswagenitalia.

I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before.

My sister-in-law got a package of 96 diapers at her baby shower and my brother said, “Oh awesome, that’s 96 days worth of diapers”.

Person giving me directions: "You can't miss it!"

Me: "You wanna bet?"

My wife called and asked me to get the chicken thighs out of the freezer. I told her we don’t have any chicken thighs in the freezer so she said she’d check when she gets home. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Wife: Ugh here comes Brad from my work.

Husband: Which one is he again?

Wife: The guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult.

Brad: Well well well someone smells like muffin mix.

Jury duty is a wild concept. Whenever the government wants, they can just be like, “Call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder, here’s fifteen dollars.”

People you will never forget:

1. Childhood best friend 

2. Favorite teacher 

3. Person who told you they pour the milk before the cereal

I now understand why when parents met me as a teenager they immediately asked me to babysit even if we'd known each other for 30 seconds. Two college-age girls just toured the apartment under us to move in and I had to stop myself from screaming "DO YOU BABYSIT" out the window.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said, "nothing". Then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

I am in Target. I am trying to buy a photo album. I asked where they might be. The worker did not know what a photo album was. I said it was a place to keep pictures. He sent me to the tech aisle. He assumed I wanted memory to store more pictures on my phone. I am 1 billion years old.

Really though, why does a restaurant salad taste better than a salad I make at home? How are they doing “bowl of lettuce” better than me?

One of my bucket list items is to make it through a self-checkout without needing an employee to type in some override.

I don’t have a favorite child but if you were to go by the photos on my phone it’s the dog.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y. 

I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool.

The pollen is so bad this year that Kid Rock fans are turning their meth back into sudafed.

It's not premarital sex if you never get married.

Follow me for more biblical loopholes.

The tiredness on the couch never translates to the bed and I demand to know why!

I was having trouble with my computer at work so I called IT support.

He said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"

I said, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man."

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade. 

Five drunk guys will start a fight.

Five stoned guys will start a band.

Someone asked me what I did this weekend like I’m some sort of mountain climber. 

I’m 50 years old, I was on a heating pad eating cookies.

Today on Unsolved Middle Age Mysteries: Where did this bruise come from?

Why are threesomes only for sex? Why can't I join in on a couple's argument in public if I have a good point to make?

I would like to thank the person that taught me the word plethora.

It means a lot.

Elon Musk@elonmusk - Defund @NPR

Everyone else... Defund billionaires

I showed my students that I can say the ABCs backward and a student shouted, "SHE'S A WITCH!"

I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed.

The universe has never aligned like this for me before.

Don't try and win over the haters.

You are not the jackass whisperer.

Me: I think I've had just about all I can take.

The universe: But wait, there's more.

Her 1: I'd rather be pissed off, then pissed on...

Her 2: This is one of those times when the difference between then and than is very important.

Him 1: If your good at something, never do it for free.

Him 2: *you're... That will be $5.00.

I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.