5880 - Saturday jokes

Show me a man who giggles throughout his journey to the water’s edge, and I’ll show you a guy who laughs all the way to the bank.

What happens when you kick a volcano?

You Krakatoa.

Did you know muffins spelled backward is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

I got up at 5am not to watch the coronation but to sit on the throne.

Statistically, bearded men are more likely to cheat on their partners than bearded Women.

(Depends on the location of the beard.)

You can say "Have a nice day" no problem, but you can't say 'Enjoy the next 24 hours'  without sounding like a hitman.

"Incontinence hotline, please hold."

Her: Last night I dreamt I was walking on a sandy beach.

Cat: Well, that explains the footprints in my litter box.

Him, holding sign by the road...

Need money

Not homeless

Wife keeps buying plants

Her...

My sign would say:

Need money.

Not homeless.

Husband keeps playing

GOLF

KEEPS LOSING HIS BALLS

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Her: I left him a heart made of Post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Him: There were chores on all of them.

You can drink a drink but you can't food a food.

I once asked a literary agent what writing paid best. He said ransom notes.

People will swim in the ocean even though there are definitely many corpses in it.

People will not swim in a pool with a corpse in it.

People all have a corpse-to-water ratio that is acceptable for them to swim in.

Being a man is not easy.

No makeup, no wig...

If you're ugly you're just ugly.

I'm looking to rehome myself. 

I'm tired of adulting.

I'm housebroken and have all my shots.

I wish pets lived longer & life wasn’t so expensive & cake didn’t make you fat & people weren’t idiots.

Exorcist: I'm here to remove the demon that has possessed you.

Me: I didn't call you.

Demon: I did.

A belly button is basically a scar from a knife fight with a guy in a mask evicting you from the first place you lived.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Two priests were driving in a car during a pouring rainstorm when they got a flat tire. They got out to change the tire, but just as they started a man pulled up and said, "Father, you should wait in the car where it's dry. I'll change the tire for you."

The priest agreed but told the man to make sure the lug nuts were on tight. So the two priests sat in the car while the man changed their tire. After a bit, he knocked on the window and said they were 'good to go'.

The priest asked the man, "Are those nuts on tight?"

The man replied, "Tight as a nun's cunt." Then the man remembered who he was talking to and apologized saying, "Yes. Yes. The nuts are tight."

After the man had driven off the one priest turned to the other priest and said, "Do you think we should check those nuts?"

"Do you want to hear a joke about the Russian Victory Day parade?"

"No tanks."

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150.” The man replied, “Long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

Why did the internet browser get fat?

It accepted all cookies.

(I may be an internet browser!)

What temperature is a baby when it is born?

Womb temperature!

The Pope said pets should not replace children in Italy.

I guess he doesn't like priests practicing bestiality.

Gambling addiction...

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

What three things did Whitney Houston want to do?

Dance with somebody.

Feel the heat with somebody.

Cocaine.

What do you call the son of a German rabbit farmer?

Herr hare heir.

2 nuns are walking in the woods when 2 guys jump out from behind the bushes. They start having their way with the nuns. 

First nun says, “Bless them Father for they do not know what they are doing.” 

Second nun says, “This one sure does!”

My grandpa was in Vietnam, and he single-handedly killed 20 Vietnamese.

We can never go back there for a vacation again.

I tried to explain dyslexia to my friend.

But I couldn't find the right anal orgy.

Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

The writer's shutdown is bad for everyone, but it especially sucks for the men.

They're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing.

What's the difference between a fisherman and a golfer?

When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring any proof home.

It takes a serious amount of balls to golf like I do.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

​

I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

I am not sure what scared him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

What do you call a guy who is building a wall in the middle of a river?

Adam.

​What do you call a guy with a radio?

Roger.

​What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

​What do you call a man sitting in hot water?

Stew.

What do you call a man who is sitting in barely warm water?

Luke.

​What do you call a man who is hanging on a wall?

Art.

​What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

​What do you call a guy who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

What do you call a man who is always at your front door?

Matt.

What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs?

Bob

​What do you call a man in shark-infested waters?

Chum.

​What do you call a lady who always sets fire to her power bill and phone bill?

Bernadette 

​

What do you call a man who is shaking in a pile of leaves?

Russell

​What do you call 2 guys in a window?

Curt and Rod.