5887 - Saturday jokes

Friend at door...

"Are you decent?"

Me: "Not morally, but I'm wearing pants if that's what you're asking."

Politics are like driving. D- forward R- backward

A Möbius strip walks into a bar, sobbing. 

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong, buddy?” 

The Möbius strip replies, “Where do I even begin?”

Sometimes instead of cleaning the house, I watch an episode of Hoarders & then I think my house doesn't look that bad.

Well, well, well...

If it isn't the consequences of my own actions.

What's your favorite example of misheard lyrics?...

"Jimi Hendrix Purple Haze: ''Scuse me while I kiss this guy".

"CCR - bad mood rising 'There's a bathroom on the right.'"

"What A Wonderful World - I see skies of blue And clouds of white The bright blessed day The dogs say goodnight"

Why Is Everyone Singing About Lorain?

"I want to know, have you ever seen Lorain."

"And I wonder, still I wonder. Who'll stop Lorain."

"I can't stand Lorain, on my window..."

"As a child, I used to sing 'I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone' and always wondered what poor Lorraine did that was so bad."

"Give me The Beach Boys and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your Rock and Roll…"

"I’m still somewhat embarrassed to say that I thought it was 'god bless the maids down in Africa'."

"I wept the drains down in aaafrica, isn't right then?"

"Hit me with a wet sock, FIRE AWAY!!!!!"

"Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake. Lyric: 'Like a drifter I was born to wear cologne'"

"'Hold me closer, Tony Danza' instead of 'Hold me closer, tiny dancer' by Elton John."

"Count the head lice on the highway."

"Steely Dan, instead of 'Are you reelin' in the years?', got 'Are you really into yeast?'"

Job interviewer: It says on your resume that you went to Harvard.

Me: Yes, I was visiting my friend.

Me: I'm not going to spend more than $50 at Target today.

Cashier: That will be $256.71.

Me: ...

When you're driving and on your third red light in a row and trying to stay calm.

Did you know that the word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary?

Baseball umpires want more money!

Talks of calling a strike are in progress.

Summer is here at last.

Ahh yes. Summer. Too hot to do anything except lie around all day snoozing.

A bit like winter.

I just wrecked my Kia.

Now I have Nokia.

Them: We offer a competitive salary.

Me: Great, how much is it?

Them: Don't worry about it, it's competitive. Anyway, what skills do you have?

Me: Oh, I have amazing skills.

Them: Great, can you tell us more about them?

Me: Don't worry, they're amazing.

I sent my picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

They sent it back.

They said they weren't that lonely.

God: And finally these are the smartest animals I have created. I call them humans.

Me: That one just tried to push a door that says pull.

Yessss.

That one just said sorry to a mannequin.

Well...

That one is crying because a bird flew too close to them.

SHUT UP!

My fear of needles kept me from getting into any IV league schools.

Lord stretch my gas the way you did the 2 fishes a 5 loaves.

All I'm saying is, at any point during that ride through the desert, he could have given that horse a name.

My dad says I've gotten so good at my drums I don't need to practice anymore.

Someone stole the 5th month from my calendar.

I'm really dismayed.

Being an introvert isn't easy.

Imagine waiting for a reply without sending a message.

Tweets...

My four-year-old is watching Toy Story for the first time ever and he just whispered to himself, “Alive toys... I knew it.”

I don't like the person I become when the grocery store cashier bags my groceries out of the order that I put them on the belt.

My sister-in-law got a package of 96 diapers at her baby shower and my brother said, “Oh awesome that’s 96 days worth of diapers”.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Whenever there's a baby delivered in a TV show, moms are required to say, "That's not a newborn."

Jury duty is a wild concept. Whenever the government wants, they can just be like, “Call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder. Here’s fifteen dollars.”

The difference between genius and stupidity is, genius has its limits.

If your dream is to travel back in time.

Just book a ticket to Florida.

Microsoft: Wait, I can explain!

Google: You spy through the whole OS? I only spy on the web.

Apple: Your users know that you are spying?

Linux: You guys are spying?

Her: Undress me with your words!

Him: You have a spider in your bra.

What do you call a mosquito’s pet rabbit?

Bugs Bunny!

My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

I was flying trans-Atlantic on a Boeing 747 and the captain said unfortunately we have lost power on two of our engines so the flight time will now double. I thought, I hope the other two don't go or we'll be up here all night.

How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

My doctor said, “I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."

I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."

He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."

I went for a run round the park this morning and I found a baby in a suitcase. I phoned the police and the lady asked me if the baby was moving. I said, "Either that or it's going on vacation."

The 30th annual Testicle Festival is June 17, 2023.

...Now that's just nuts!

I sent my girlfriend a picture of myself in the shower but it was blurry.

I had selfie steam issues.

A singer by the name of Michael is starting his line of bath foams.

Seriously who would make themselves a Buble bath?

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes were for me, but now I stand corrected.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise...

And, I was right.