5901 - Saturday jokes

It's a new day!

A chance to make new friends or...

piss off a whole new group of people.

It could go either way.

I don't like to brag, but I was twice voted Facebook's inmate of the month.

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

Blind man driving.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office:

Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:

If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.

On a Plumber's truck:

We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:

Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

Invite us to your next blowout.

On an Electrician's truck:

Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking Area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

will take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door

Push. Push. Push.

At a Car Dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:

No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company:

We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time

However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

In a Restaurant window:

Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station:

Thank Heaven for little grills.

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

Best place in town to take a leak.

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

I think I need to lose a little weight.

I tried to sit up in bed this morning and ended up rocking myself back to sleep.

If you're introverted and attractive, you're mysterious.

If you're introverted and ugly, you're a weirdo.

I cooked a Sunday Roast for Lionel Richie.

He asked once, twice, three times for gravy.

Son: iPod

Daughter: iPad

Dad: iPaid

Dog: iPeed

The older you get, the uglier you're willing to go out in public.

A man and wife were watching a boxing match.

The match was over in one minute by a knockout.

Man says, "Very boring, it was all over in one minute".

Wife replies, "Now you know how I feel".

If things get better with age.......I'm approaching magnificent.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

You're mom is so slow it took her 9 months to make a joke.

I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.

I was fired from the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

My dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

I might be a 4 or a 5 on a Florida beach but I'm still a solid 10 at Walmart.

I waved at my neighbor for 5 minutes this morning before I realized she was cleaning her windows.

We just had a guy come into our auto parts store and ask if we sold longer dipsticks because his doesn't reach his oil anymore.

Thought of the day...

Go see The Little Mermaid,

drink some Bud Light,

wear your Mickey ears,

and read a banned book.

Just listened to my Dad try to explain my dissertation to the rest of the family and now I understand why hearsay is inadmissible in court.

It's been discovered that William Tell and his son belonged to a bowling league. But Swiss historians have not been able to determine the name of their team's sponsor. So we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

One day English will kill us...

Sign...

  Crocodiles

Do Not Swim Here

A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.

I am on a light diet. I eat by daylight, by moonlight, and sometimes, refrigerator light.

They never told me which machine, so I've been raging against toasters. (and computers)

Blazing Saddles has been edited for TV. 

It will air tonight from 8:00 to 8:08.

There are two kinds of people in the world.

Avoid both of them.

For some odd reason, every June 1st I feel dismayed.

I remember the good old days, when "Snap, Crackle, and Pop" were sounds that came from my cereal, not my body.

You know shit's going down when your friend says "Hold my teeth".

Dance like no one is watching, but text and email like it will be read in court.

Piss me off again and we play a game called Duct, Duct, Tape.

That look you have on your face when you're waiting for the cop to bring your license back and two more squad cars show up.

T-shirt...

My silence doesn't mean I agree with you.

It means your level of stupidity has rendered me speechless.