5908 - Saturday jokes

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, Times Up?"

I recently got divorced from my wife.

We decided to split the house.

I got the outside.

I read the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'.

Then I read 'revenge is sweet'.

I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

Seriously? Gay jokes during Pride Month?

Come on guys.

My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex.

We laughed about it for a while. 

Then I remembered my wife and I have different dentists.

Why is everyone so against sugar? 

Who stood by you when things went wrong in your life? 

It wasn't broccoli that's for sure!

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

I'm going to dress how I want this summer.

If you think I'm fat well so do I.

I'm waiting for the cook to stop scratching his balls so I can order my food.

Mass shootings will now be referred to as "Republican Endorsed Killings".

Dictum: Someone who acts like a total dick then acts like they are the victim.

Most of the shit that's happening right now in America is because old white racists had an existential crisis when Barack Obama was elected president.

Every drag performer in Florida should temporarily change their stage name to Rhonda Santis.

Calling bigotry an opinion is like calling arsenic a flavor.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have

some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.

I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm

nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy.

The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.

As part of the PGA golf merger, the PGA will control holes 1-8 and 12-18.

The Saudis do 9-11.

Her: Why are men always ok with doing nothing for their birthday?

Him: Imagine celebrating the day when all my problems started.

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

The dog just replaced the cat litter with pop rocks.

And now we wait.

Dog...

Hi, my name is Stop That!

But sometimes they call me Get Back Here!

Kid on a laptop...

Why do I have to go outside and play?

I didn't do anything wrong!

I took my wife to the Caribbean last month.

   Jamaica?

No, she wanted to go.

"I want to apologize to everyone for the bad puns."

Noah Fence

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like trying to decide whether to cut the blue, green, or red wire to defuse a bomb.

Masturbating does NOT make you go blind!

HEY! I'm over here!

I got a new job as a guillotine operator.

I'll beheading there shortly.

Measure once, cuss twice.

Son: Daddy, do trees poop?

Dad: Of course. That's how we get number 2 pencils.

Every restaurant in the world is packed on Mother's Day.

But on Father's Day, I have to barbecue.

Rich people have fancy labels on their clothes.

Happy people have pet hair on theirs.

So HBO Max is now just Max.

Your move Peacock.