5927 - Saturday jokes

An English bloke went out duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor:

"Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. 

The damage was local, to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the shrapnel."

"What's the bad news?" Asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive shrapnel damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad." The hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." Answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Philharmonic Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eyes!"! 

Purchased an item $5.23 total. Only had a $20 and the .23 cents. Gave the $20.23 to the clerk. Clerk had to call manager to make change.

A husband and wife were watching television when the phone rang.  The husband answered the phone and after listening for a moment he said, "How the hell should I know.  It's hundreds of miles from here!". The wife asked, "Who was that?".  The husband replied, "It was just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

AKA is

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New "put down" for 2023...

"Oh yeah? Well your dad buys Bud Light at Target!"

Being conceived in the back of a Jeep does not necessarily mean you are part Cherokee.

Insurance companies are warning campers if your tent is stolen during the night you won't be covered.

A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep, and people say it's cute.

If I do it, I'm an alcoholic.

No one defends billionaires more than hundredaires.

Moderator: Your word is 'seaward'.

Spelling bee contestant: C-U-N...

Moderator: STOP! Please no! Jesus STOP!

A teacher had recess duty. A kindergarten girl came running over with another girl right behind her.

The first girl said, " She call me the B-word.

When I asked the second girl if she called the first one the B-word, she turned to the first girl and said, "Motherfucker doesn't start with B".

What gives you butterflies every single time, no matter how many times you experience it?

Buying caterpillars.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can't lose it and then never find it again.

Sing along...

When the moon hits your knees

and you can't pronounce trees,

sycamore.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly.

Dear Karma,

I have a list of people you missed.

Tough day on Facebook.

I still don't know what you're supposed to comment under a photo of a baby.

But I learned today it isn't 'Yikes!'.

I wonder is the guy who coined the term "One hit wonder" came up with any other phrases.

Today I actually crossed a few things off my to do list.

I didn't do them. I just didn't want them on the list anymore.

Moses roamed the desert for 40 years.

I start complaining I want to leave the beach after 37 minutes.

"How dumb can people be?"

People are asking why the Titanic didn't implode as it sank.

I was sitting on a bench in the park next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! A cook cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, Internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?

"Oh No, nothing like that," he said. "No, no … I got out of prison!"

I used to just crastinate.

But I got so good, I went pro.

Dad, what does safe sex mean?

It's when a woman doesn't know your name or address.

I have a bad habit of running red lights.

I really need to stop.

IT interview...

So, what makes you suitable for this job.

I hacked your computer and invited myself to this interview.

Call me old fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person that hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

Me: I need to do a thing.

Body: You did a thing yesterday, that's enough things.

If anybody wants to sponsor me, I'm doing a 0.001K run to raise awareness for laziness.

Have you ever noticed that every small town is named after its water tower?

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they're only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

You have to hand it to OceanGate. They managed to orchestrate the ultimate male bonding experience.

I was offered sex today with a Victoria's Secret model. In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my blog post. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the incredibly strong bathroom cleanser. Now available in lemon scent and vanilla.

Once your children can function as your IT support the second half of life begins.

My daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she's subjected herself to months of me asking if she's still feeling blue.

We heard a loud beep in McDonald's and my daughter asked if it was their ice cream machine flatlining.

(I was at McDonald's the other day. "Sorry, the shake machine is broken.")

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism.

It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.