5934 - Saturday jokes

Her: I watched a guy do 50 straight pushups at the gym today. Do you think you could do that?

Him: Absolutely, in fact, I'm pretty sure I could've watched him do 100.

After the Supreme Court's decision, who will you be denying service to?

If you want something done weird, you have to do it yourself!

We do this not because it is easy,

but because we thought it would be easy.

I was born a sinner. My sin is mentioned in the Bible 25 times. I tried to change but couldn't. Luckily, society has learned to accept left-handed people.

I'm a decent person. If you don't count the times I'm hungry.

Hello...

Who are you?

Andrew.

And?!

...rew.

If it gets any hotter, I'll have to take off stuff I really ought to keep on.

My friends are a bad influence.

And I would just like to thank them for that.

Two incomes are better than one.

So make sure your SO has two jobs.

Whew! Next week has been exhausting!

Sometimes I just don't like people.

They make me wanna say bad words.

Admit it. We've all hidden our favorite food from our family at least once.

I should be getting older and wiser.

Instead, I'm getting older and wider.

Psychologist Warns It’s A Major Red Flag If You Relax By Enjoying True Crime Stories.

Oh oh.

I put my pants on the same as every other man.

Hopping around on one foot looking for something to hang onto.

Mrs. Lincoln complaining to Abe.

Would it kill you to take me to a show once in a while?

Tic toker 1: Jesus Christ never introduced himself using pronouns.

Tic toker 2: "I am He" - Jesus, John 18:5

I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I'm a veterinarian, I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many protologists are on the road.

Him: If I see the word gaslight one more time I might get off the internet forever.

Her: You're not even seeing it that much. It's all in your head.

I may not have been my mother's favorite child, but I was the first one she thought of when the police showed up.

Before you marry someone, find out if their family drinks mimosas or runs 5ks on holiday mornings.

My neighbors with the fireworks celebrate the twelve days of July 4th.

The late-night fireworks neighbor gets the early morning leaf blower neighbor.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Bumper sticker...

Pirate of the CAR-I-BE-IN

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in if it gets within four inches of the hole.

Note: Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

HR person: I have a complaint about you. Did you call Ned stupid?

Bossman: Nope nope nope. I asked Ned if he was stupid. And I never got an answer. So I think that's insubordination on Ned's part.

Can't seem to sleep. Let's see if the bright light of my phone containing all the information in the entire world held inches away from my face for the next 15 minutes manages to lull me into a peaceful slumber.

4yo: Mom was I in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big? 

husband: oh oh

My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They’ll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant.

My toddler asked me to give her chicken nuggets a checkup. After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.

In today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage, we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

IT’S JULY 6th AND PEOPLE ARE STILL SETTING OFF FIREWORKS.

ONE ALMOST CAUGHT OUR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS ON FIRE.

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

I'm going there in person tomorrow, to find out what's really going on.

You don't realize how many back roads your town has until you ride with someone that has a suspended driver's license.

Adulthood means hurting your back when you relax incorrectly.

Women won't date a guy that lives with his mom but they will date a guy that lives with his wife.