5941 - Saturday jokes

The leading cause of injury in old men is them thinking they are still young men.

My dog is so obsessed with where other dogs go to the bathroom he could be the governor of Florida.

Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb.

A: Into what?

Technically, all the money you have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Birds is spelled "oiseaux" in French.

No letter is pronounced as you see it.

It's pronounced "wazu".

https://translate.google.com/?sl=auto&tl=en&text=oiseaux%20&op=translate

My sister asked where Nicaragua was.

I said, "Central America".

She said, "Oh, so near Kansas?"

I see a pole and body glitter in her future.

God: Instead of sending Jesus back, I think it’s better if I send George Carlin.

When you ask me what I'm doing today and I say "nothing" it does not mean I'm free, it means I'm doing nothing.

My mother and father are cousins. That means I'm my own cousin.

A local car lot had two Ford F150 trucks for sale, same year, same trim. Both in great shape. One of them was gray, the other was purple with a bright yellow racing stripe. The purple one had a decal of a former LSU football coach’s face, Les Miles, on the hood. The purple one was priced $10,000 more than the gray one.

A few days later I drove past the lot and saw that the purple truck was gone and the gray one was still there. I stopped by and found a sales guy and asked about the purple truck. “Some guy from Baton Rouge bought it,” he said, “he told me when he saw two F150s and one had Les Miles on it the choice was easy.”

What's the difference between humans and animals?

Animals would never let the dumbest one lead the pack.

I wonder when the Bermuda triangle stopped working.

Not a lot of drama there anymore.

Nothing tells you to lose weight more than putting on a pair of freshly washed jeans.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

I married my wife just so people would have something to like about me.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine's Day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday.

Before marriage, I would sit at stoplights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

We are three days into a discussion about if getting a toaster oven would be worth sacrificing the counter space. Marriage is wild.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Instead of yelling my husband's name when I need him, I'm just gonna scream OH MY GOD YOU CAN ALMOST SEE HER NIPPLE!

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.

Today's lesson, do not hula hoop without a bra on.

Him: May I buy you a drink?

Her: Oh, No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.

Him: Do they swell?

Her: No, they spread.

Damn right, I'm good in bed.

I can stay there all day.

I have a new prescription.

500mg of fukitol.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results.

I should really stop cleaning the house.

WAIT! I already did!

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You're running around with another woman, admit it!"

"What other woman?!" Adam shot back, "You're the only one here!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

Adam said, "What are you doing?!"

Eve, "Counting your ribs."

 

The phone rings and the wife answers.

She hears heavy breathing and then a voice says, "I'll bet you have a tight ass with no hair."

She says, "Yes I do. He's watching TV. Who shall I say is calling?"

I'm going to let God fix it.

Because if I fix it I'm going to jail.

Some people think I'm going crazy. It's not true.

I went there years ago, fell in love with the place, and decided to stay.

The 5-second rule for food dropped on the floor doesn't work if you have a 2-second dog.

There are times when my greatest accomplishments are just keeping my mouth shut.

But sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and take a stroll through my mouth.

This is never a good thing.

I'm a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body that doesn't.

Let me get my giveashitometer.

Nope, nothing.

My hobbies include:

- Switching between the same three apps for hours.

- Not speaking to anyone for days at a time.

- Listening to the same songs I've been listening to for 40 years.

- Imagining myself in situations that will never exist.

Hey, it keeps me busy.

Today's math problem:

If George is 76 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does George have?

When you said "friends with benefits" I assumed you owned a liquor store.

People often say, "Underground tunnel", which leads me to wonder about the other types of tunnels.

Pirates that used an "X" to mark the spot where they hid their treasure weren't very smart.

If they would have just used a "G", none of the other pirates would have ever found the treasure.

It is mildly shocking that those who call themselves a florist, know absolutely nothing about installing linoleum.

I put my symptoms into WebMD. Turns out I'm just old.

When I was 8YO I asked my Dad if we could play the "naked man game".

My Dad, trying not to panic, asked me what it was.

I said, "It's the one we play when the babysitter is over".

Dad then asked me to show him where the naked man game was.

So I took him to the closet, opened the door, and pointed up to the game Operation.

He told me years later that he nearly had a heart attack.

While we're discussing laptops...

What's on Rafael Cruz's laptop?

What's on Matt Gaetz's laptop?

What's on Jim Jordon's laptop?

What's on Josh Hawley's laptop?

What's on MTG's Etch-A-Sketch?

What's on Boebert's Fisher Price Laugh and Learn?

My family went camping and left me home alone.

Oh please don't leave me home alone with electricity and running water!

During a nuclear explosion, there is a certain distance from the center where all the frozen pizzas are cooked to perfection.

The flavor zone is the scientific term.

Is it shitshow or shit show?

I want to get this resignation letter just right.

Incontinence hotline, please hold.

Have you seen "Pun" on Broadway?

It's a play on words!

I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.

Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.

The first song from my new group, The Palindromes, is called, "If I Had A Hi-Fi".

If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.

Saw a bunch of dead crows in the woods the other day.

Must have been a murder-suicide.

Yo mamma so fat...

That her pronouns are kg/lbs.

Looking to hire someone to change the channel and volume on my tv.

Must be able to work remote.

I showed my blog to my psychiatrist and she wants to talk to all of you.