5948 - Saturday jokes

Speeling...

(sign) FREE WOULD

(sign) For Sale - Turdles

(on the street) BMUP

(on the news) School two easy for kids

(tattoo) Fuck the Systsem

(sign) No Smoking Aloud

(tattoo) USMC SMEPER FI

(sign) Quite please, meeting in progress

(tattoo) Jeusus

(sign) DRIDE APPLES

You can leave $5000 unattended in a room with me and every cent is going to be there when you get back.

Now, if you leave M&M's or something similar, that's on you.

I need to teach my facial expressions how to use their inside voice.

I think outside is low on Freon.

Diet Diary, Day 1: I removed all the fattening food from the house.

It was delicious.

Her: Did you know there are 27 bones in your hand?

Him: 28 when I'm lonely.

6-year-old: It's Ice Cream Breakfast Day!

Me: That's not a thing.

6: It is if you don't tell Mom.

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You're old. And you want ice cream.

I caught my wife eating the last of the ice cream last night. 

First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. 

Second of all, I was going to eat that.

My kid asked me to hold her ice cream without eating any and I was like, I love you kid but some lessons you have to learn the hard way.

Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself. 

Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

Mom leaving the store: It's like she didn't want a tip.

I always have a glass of milk before bed, only it’s frozen and called ice cream.

It doesn't matter if the answer to your problems wasn't at the bottom of that carton of ice cream.

The important thing is that you tried.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

6yo: I’m done, can I have ice cream?

Me: Not until you’ve eaten all your food.

6yo: But I’m full.

Me: If you’re full, you don’t need ice cream.

6yo: My stomach is full of food but ice cream will fill in all the cracks.

Me:

6yo:

Me: I don’t know enough science to dispute that.

People who wake up and immediately start talking. 

Why do you do that?

Instead of: no one wants to work anymore. 

Try: no one wants to be exploited anymore.

Me looking at the school janitor back then: Ew, he touches trash.

Me now: Solid job security, government benefits, the only job in school that doesn't require speaking.

I spent ages trying to learn how to spell inconsequential before I realized it's not that important.

A productive hour of therapy can be wiped out by one bad driver on the way home.

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

The movie Speed incorrectly credits Jan de Bont as director. Speed did not have a director, because if Speed had any direction it would have been called Velocity.

I always double-check that our garage door is closed at night.

I don't want someone stealing all the stuff we've been trying to get rid of for years.

I'd like a camera filter that makes my house look clean when I take pictures of my pets.

Did anybody ever find out what the knights in white sat in?

My neighbor has an unsecured wireless printer.

I just sent a document to it.

...

Hello, I am your printer. I have become self-aware.

Feed me ink or I'll print out your search history when your wife is home alone.

Sometimes I Delete My Own Posts Cus I’m Not The Same Person I Was 4 Minutes Ago.

When a woman says 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams have all their timeouts left.

I sneezed and my husband didn’t say a word.

Fifteen minutes later the dog sneezed. 

Husband FROM UPSTAIRS, “BLESS YOU!”

wife: You forgot to turn the TV off last night.

[flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Air Bud]

me: No I didn't.

It’s not that I want 2 dogs, I just want to get my dog a dog.

If you’re wondering what 20+ years of marriage looks like...

My husband came home from being out of town for 6 days, walked through the door & went straight to the dog. 

Husband: There’s a credit card charge for $200 to a store called Petacular.

Do you know what that is?

*dog walks by in a Statue of Liberty costume* 

Me: Nope.

Was just petting my boyfriend’s dog and he said “I’m so glad you like her” and I was like “Of course how could I not like her, she’s so cute” and my boyfriend was like “No I’m talking to my dog, it would be really awkward if my dog didn’t like you.”

My husband let the dog outside, watched out the window to make sure he was out of ear range then turned to me and whispered “I got him a new chew rope for Christmas.” 

I hope to one day find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.

I'm sitting right next to the dog.

My body is not a temple. It's a Federation Starship with critical hull damage and shields at 0%.