5955 - Saturday jokes

(sign in front of a bar meme)

NO HIPSTERS!!

Don't be coming in

here with your

hairy faces, your vegan

diets, your tiny feet, 

and your sawdust bedding!

No, WAIT!

Hampsters!

NO HAMPSTERS!

Florida has oranges.

Georgia has peaches.

What does your state have?

Bro, the best fentanyl your neighbors' catalytic converter can buy.

You know what's weird?

No, what?

How one type of cheese is made backward.

(I was today years old when I learned Edam is a kind of cheese.)

(That's a gouda one.)

"Don't play with super glue."

Spock

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore.

If you really want a Barbie and Oppenheimer crossover, it was made in 1995 and called Tank Girl.

I don't think I can't travel to Florida anymore because the time difference is too much. It's 1860 there.

Church sign...

God loves you even when Christians don't.

How about a carpet with permanent vacuum lines so it always looks clean?

Just overheard my eight-year-old son tell the little boy who lives across the street, “You have to go now. I’ve hit my limit for being around other people today.”

Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can't get any worse than it started.

Bury me with my old records.

It will be my vinyl resting place.

Yoga helps women with Furniture Disease... That's when your chest falls into your drawers.

A little boy goes to his father and asks, " Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an online chat room. Then I set up a date via E-mail with your Mom, and we met at a Cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, "You've got male!"

OK, so naked running.

Apparently, this means running without GPS, music, or any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Some people were not put here to evolve.

They are here to remind you what it looks like if you don't.

I have a joke...

I have a civil engineering joke, but it's still under construction.

I have an economics joke, but it's not in demand.

I have a history joke, but it's old.

I have a pencil joke, but it's pointless.

I'd tell a recliner joke, but I'm too lazy.

I have a math joke, but it doesn't add up.

I have an electrical joke, but it’s shocking.

I've got a farming joke, but it'll take a little time to grow on you.

I have a joke about procrastinators, I'll tell you tomorrow.

I have a joke about psychology that will ring a bell with you.

I had a cooking joke, but it didn’t pan out.

I have a boxing joke, with a surprising punch line.

I have a USPS joke, but you wouldn't get it in time.

I have a medical joke, but the punchline is protected by HIPPA.

I have a cooking joke, but it’s not done yet.

I have a good obstetrician joke, but it's all in the delivery.

I have a joke about changing your mind.... never mind.

I have an aviation joke, but it'll fly right over your head.

I have an Oppenheimer joke, but it's boomer humor.

I have a doctor joke, but it's sick.

I have an X-ray joke, but you’ll probably see right through it.

I have a cat joke, but it’s not purr-fect!

I have a new math joke, but no one understands it.

I have a teacher joke, but it doesn’t make the grade.

I have a pneumatic drill joke, but it's boring.

I have a silverware joke, but it needs polishing.

I have a poop joke, but it's dirty.

I have an Exxon joke, but it’s too oily in the day for it.

I have an attorney joke, but it's not legal.

I have a dentist joke, but it's not worth spit.

The choke on my golf cart stopped working so I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it and now it chokes every time.

Definition of Irony:

Using a device that transmits inordinate amounts of complex information tens of thousands of miles via antennas, fiber, cables, and satellites to convey to others that you "don't trust science".

Teen: OMG! This car has three pedals and I've only got two feet!

The irony of tRUMP going to jail is that he would be stuck behind a wall.

Imagine being so fragile that you’re mad at Barbie.

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market" meant it went shopping.

(I still do!)

Me: Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.

Me: Me too.

My wife wanted to embarrass me in front of her friends. She said I wasn't good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her.

You should never judge a book by its cover. I had an English textbook once and the people on the cover looked like they were having a really good time. That turned out not to be true.

A Walmart near me is closing down which means two cashiers will be out of work.

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guidebook during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead, we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Now on sale at IKEA, Lesbian beds. No nuts or screws involved, it's all tongue and groove.

Fitness instructor: Have you ever done a marathon?

Me: Like on Netflix?

(I'd never heard of this.)

Sploshing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wet_and_messy_fetishism

Ted Drews...

Him: My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight.

Her: Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change.

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Prayers for my husband who tragically got me nothing for our anniversary when I specifically told him I wanted nothing for our anniversary.

Lab Rules:

#1: Never lick the spoon.

#2: Hot glass looks just like cold glass.

#3: If you don't know what you're doing, at least do it neatly.

#4: Hiccups and pipettes don't mix.

#5: Assume all unmarked beakers contain a highly toxic fast-acting poison.

#6: You can't detect orderless gas by smell.

#7: If you don't know what a button does, don't push it.

Never allow your place of employment to wear you out.

Don't give everything you have to a job that would replace you in a heartbeat.

You're a 10, but it's on the pH scale.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

My folks came to visit and are upset that I have parental controls set up and they can't watch FOX NEWS without putting in the code. So they are watching my shows because they refuse to type in 666.