5962 - Saturday jokes

It's sad that "deeply held religious beliefs" are held in higher esteem than "thoroughly understood facts".

None of your problems are because someone is on welfare.

My six-year-old wanted me to pretend to be her mom and I said, “I am your mom” and she said, “But like, a cool young fun mom”.

I'm glad I tore up my body to birth her just to get shredded to pieces like that.

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3-year-old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face, and said, “Mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled. 

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

I accidentally used my husband's body wash and now I don’t move out of the way when someone’s walking toward me.

There are two types of people: 

Those who require subtitles to watch anything and those who can’t stand to have them on at all.

And they marry each other.

My window of energy for socializing occurs for ten minutes each afternoon, if you don’t catch me then try again tomorrow.

90% of dog ownership is telling your dog you’re not letting them out because you just let them out, and then letting them out.

Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong.

Intermittent fasting? I just slept 7 hours without a snack. What more do you want from me?

4: Mom was I in your tummy?

me: Yep!

4: Who is in there now?

me: No one

4: Then why is it so big? 

Husband: Oh no!

Old guy at bar: Where have you been all my life.

Young girl: For the first two-thirds I wasn't born yet.

The Wizard of Oz has removed the Scarecrow for offending too many people without brains.

She was born to be an author...

Page Turner!

Since I found out makeup sex is better than regular sex all I do is start shit.

The patron saint of copying people on email is St. Francis Of A CC.

I'm so glad that as a generation we've all agreed to stop ironing our clothes.

The most interesting thing about this joke is that by the time you realize it's not going anywhere, it's too late to stop reading it.

I hate when people ask me, "What did you do today"?

I say, "Look, I woke up at noon and then it was 5pm, okay? I don't know".

I miss football so much that I went to a rodeo just to boo the Cowboys.

Them: Are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: All I can tell you is I'm not a people person.

Notice to staff:

Will ladies please rinse out teapots and then stand upside down in the sink.

On no account must hot bottoms be placed on the worktops.

Husband: Oh my, aren't you pretty.

Waitress: Why, Thank you, sir!

Wife: Tell her about your erectile dysfunction, George.

It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs, and trip over nothing.

I have those skills.

Eventually, you realize "Grumpy Old Men" isn't a movie. It's a training video.

Him: Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing.

Her: Then wear your own.

2yo referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them.

I'm not saying that my daughter is overly dramatic. 

But she calls tears "wet drops of sad."

My kid just called Fruit Loops "Pride Cheerios" and I've never been happier in my life that this little dude calls me mom.

My daughter calls people who are reading "book lookers".

My 4-year-old just called the garbage disposal switch a “gobble button”.

My 4-year-old called ice cubes "water bricks".

My daughter doesn’t know the word “braces” so she calls them “tiny jails for your teeth.”

When I was young, I thought things were bad because solutions were complicated.

Now that I'm old, I realize things are bad because solutions are simple but will inconvenience affluent people and religious fanatics.

Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!

"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

"If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! 

Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.

The past tense of William Shakespeare is Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

If you're being chased by a taxidermist, do not play dead.

Them: This is not the country I grew up in. I don't even recognize this country anymore.

Reply: Did your cult leader catch another indictment? Cry me a river.

When I donate my body to science they will probably say, "Wow, we don't want THIS!"

My neighbors listen to really good music whether they like it or not.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a bunch of people. If they laugh you're still young. If they panic and start running to you... you're old.

This pretty much sums up the 90s...

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.

You don't let your dog on the furniture?

I'd let my dog borrow my car if he wanted to.

We should start referring to "age" as "levels". Because "I'm at level 76" sounds more badass than just being an old person.

My good mood is like a balloon. One little prick is all it takes to ruin it.

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you love Jesus."

So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, gave me a very impolite gesture, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you MORON!?"