5969 - Saturday jokes

Once you hit a certain age, life is just a delicate balance of trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep while slowly getting worse at both.

When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into the ground so they can let me down one last time.

Penguins not being able to fly is only sad because we call them birds.

If you think of their wings as flippers and call them fish, it's a miracle they can walk on land.

Sometimes the best therapist has fur and four legs.

Life is easier in 2023 for a boy named Sue than it was in 1969.

We guarantee fast service no matter how long it takes.

Someone has invented the game of silent tennis.

It's like regular tennis but without the racquet.

The computer clock jumps from 10:30pm to 2:30am in one minute.

Them: Your pets are spoiled.

Me: They are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Guy1: Did you upgrade to Windows 11?

Guy2: I'm already on Windows 95, man.

Guy1: What?

Catholic Church: No meat on Fridays.

Me: OK, so no eggs for breakfast.

CC: No, eggs are OK.

Me: But eggs are chicken.

CC: Not until they hatch.

Me: So the thing isn't a thing until it's born?

CC: That's correct... No, wait!

Devil: And this is the lake of lava you'll be spending eternity in.

Me: Actually, we're underground so it would be magma.

Devil: You realize this is why you're here, right?

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: I don't know anymore...

Just once I'd like to see an article like "Extroverted? Here are some tips on how to be quiet and reflective."

We've had plants that didn't spend as much time in front of our house as Amazon trucks do.

Why are there pop-tarts but no mom-tarts?

Because of the pastryarchy.

Today I'll be combining alphabet soup with a laxative.

I'm going to call it "letter rip".

I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they come up with some great ideas!

Today, I'm not going to be an asshole. I'm going to be nice.

HEY! Stop laughing, it could happen!!

Never again should anyone be amazed at how Jim Jones got his followers to drink the poison.

Elon Musk is going to put Apple out of business.

He's going to buy it.

Cop talking to headquarters after pulling over a semi...

"He says he's hauling sailboat fuel but the trailer is empty!"

Baby was on a heart rate monitor. 5yo nephew asked how long the baby had to charge before it could go home.

I need a professional way to tell people at work “I really don’t care”.

I hate when the cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real.

If I could make counterfeit money I wouldn't be at the Doller Store, Karen.

Amazonesia...

When you forget what you ordered.

Difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1.99 and Deer Nuts are just under a Buck.

Requests to teachers from parents...

“My son swallowed a watch battery at home. Please use this fork and clothespin to inspect his poop until we find the battery.”

Others asked teachers to clean their child’s nose on picture day, track a student’s menstrual period and “mood changes,” and squeeze a student’s head during test-taking to relieve anxiety.

Parents assume that they have greater pedagogical knowledge than the teacher, like the parent who requested that their son be given credit for an essay in spite of not turning one in because he “wrote it in his head.”

Parent calls to inform me that their child swallowed a ring the night before and the doctor informed them that it was too far down to be of concern, however, they needed to check the child’s bowel movements for the ring to make sure it passed through their system. I was asked to collect any poop and look at it to see if I could find the ring.

We were asked to wash, dry, and change socks of a student each time we came into the classroom because the ‘sand irritates’ her feet. They choose a school whose playground is 100% sand and we go outside four times a day.”

Kindergarten... Mom mad at me because her daughter went home repeating things her friends said.

“I once had a parent complain to admin that they liked last year’s teacher much better. I looped with them from 1st to 2nd".

“Mom complained to my principal because she didn’t like my fun Friday bubblegum font. I had to change it ”

“Since my child sees a speech pathologist for the half hour after lunch, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ‘teach anything new’ until he returns to the classroom.”

“I teach kindergarten. I had a mom email me to tell me that she didn’t think her son was drinking enough water throughout the day. She asked me to check the toilet after he used the bathroom each time so I could monitor the color of his urine and report back to her.”

“Mom sent in a bar of soap. The student, who was a large male, said I was to wash his mouth with soap if he used bad language.”

If we are ever in a situation where I am the "voice of reason", then we are in a very very bad situation.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was full of parsley.

Somebody garnished my wages.

Remember, when you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it's illegal to dig it up.

Marbles:

When you're young you play with them.

When you get older you start losing them.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator practice.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun.  

She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

My parents accused me of lying. So I looked them in the face and said, "Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny".

My 5yo asked me if I'd ever been in jail. When I said no she said, "Wow, not even for your cooking?"

Becky and Sally Ann were blondes and doing some carpentry work on a house.  

Becky, who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing the nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." 

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!