5976 - Saturday jokes

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 

 

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?  

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry? 

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? 

"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.  That's relativity." -- Albert Einstein

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality.

Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.

My 4yo cousin is freaking out because we went to a restaurant and the forks had three prongs instead of four.

Every time someone said the word fork she said, "NO, it's a threek."

Headline... Local man paralyzed after eating 413 chicken nuggets.

Me: So the limit is 412?

In heaven:

Me: Angel, tell me, did I waste my life posting memes?

Angel: Thousands of people read your memes. You wasted the lives of thousands of people.

Woman praying: God, why don't my kids listen to me?

God: LOL!!!

It was arraigny night in Georgia.

Dang… didn’t even have time to take down my decorations from the Jack Smith indictment.

Muppets:

Todays word of the day is... RICO!

It's the first witch hunt in history where we've found the cauldron, book of spells, broomstick, flying monkeys, and magic wand.

I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook post and someone who doesn't speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.

Someone posted this meme...

"I don't know if you know this, but your boobs go inside your shirt."

(Ignoring the previous joke, I commented and said they should mind their own business.)

I tried to do a cartwheel the other day thinking it was like riding a bike. 

It's not.

Sometimes you have to flip out and go batshit crazy to make a point.

Hang on. Let me overthink this.

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

I don't know why I don't buy more pinatas.

Like right now I would love to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before.

An Eskimo was sitting in a kayak and getting chilly so he lit a fire to warm up. 

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I'm really over this working for a living shit! (true)

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless you have diarrhea.

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.

I promised myself I'd do things differently today.

So I'm sitting at the other end of the couch.

I can tell today is going to be a does not play well with others kind of day.

You know you're really stressed when you start getting on your own nerves.

Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes,

but they're a solid number two.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

Sometimes when I find out the actual lyrics to a song,

I discover I like my version better. (true)

Sign...

CILT STIMULATION

FORUM EVENT

THIS WAY ^

(I know, that's how I read it at first too.)

Them: The chicken you're eating had a family!

Me: That's why I ordered the family bucket. No one gets left behind.

Thinking about having kids? Their son poured syrup into every floor vent.

13 years later it still smells like waffles every time the heat comes on.

I don't think of myself as a jokes or meme thief.

My official title is Social Media Redistribution Agent.

We all know that one person that is the human version of a migraine.

12yo: Mom, what's a contradiction?

Mom: Believing that a 12yo is mature enough to give birth, but needs parental approval to check out a library book.

Her thinking in bed trying to sleep: I bet he's thinking about other women.

Him next to her thinking: If you replace the W with T in When, Where, and What, you get the answer for each question.

Newborn's onesie saying...

'Glad to be out.

I was running out of womb.'

DMV lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV lady: But you'll look mad on here for 6 years.

Me: I'll still be mad in 6 years.

Now that you mention it, Jill, why would they drill a well at the top of a hill when everyone knows that water flows downhill?

One thing is crystal clear, this nursery rhyme wasn't written by a hydrologist.

Heads up guys. There are some real weirdos that visit Saturday Jokes. Someone asked me to meet up in the woods for a naked satanic ritual and then they didn't even show up!

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online, it's not that I lied, it's just that I failed.

Me: I would love to go back in time and blow people's minds with my incredible knowledge.

Not me: There's only one outcome if you go back.

Them: BURN THE WITCH!

I feel sorry for Netflix-era kids. They will never know the high-stakes adrenaline of running to the bathroom/fridge/bedroom in a single ad break, with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming “It’s ONNNNNN” to send you hurdling over furniture to get back in time.

“The internet went out” is the new “The dog ate my homework.”

I told my teen he’s slower than dial up and he asked me if that was a soap.

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong.

I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Windows task manager: (not responding)

Me: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO END THE UNRESPONSIVE TASKS, NOT JOIN THEM!

Mom, I'm going out.

  You're not leaving the house until you change that miniskirt!

Why?!

  Because I can see your balls, Richard.

When you meet me, you think I'm quiet.

When you talk to me, you wish I was quiet.

When you know me, you get scared when I'm quiet.

Yesterday I took a condom, put some mayonnaise in it, and threw it in the neighbor's yard.

They're still fighting.

My favorite sex position is pretty much any of them.

I'm just happy to be involved.

I'm just here to post stuff that I find funny.

If that offends you, just know I find that funny also.