We were watching Shrek as a family and at the moment when Fiona turned from a woman into an ogre, my 2yo pointed to the TV and said, "Now she's a mom".
Me: Siri, do you love me?
Siri: I don't know how to answer that.
Me: Siri, if you don't then I'll jump off a bridge.
Siri: I found two bridges in your area.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running.
I told my suitcase no vacation this year.
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
When bees move into a new hive,
do they have a house swarming party?
Him: Look, a shooting star! make a wish!
Her: I would like to get married!
Him: Oh, sorry, it's a plane.
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not for iron.
Which is ironic.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ...
Me: ...
4yo: I don't have any other feet!
Me: Fair enough.
Never ask a pet lover to choose between you and their pet.
Because they will choose, and it won't be you.
Never try and give an introvert the silent treatment.
You will be in their wheelhouse and you will lose.
Sorry I'm late. My alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here.
"...and I turned out fine." Said the emotionally unavailable person with anger issues.
A mom had a meeting with her son's teacher. The teacher was worried about his speech development. She said, "He never speaks". Later, I asked him, "Son, what's going on?" He looked up from his book and calmly said, "Oh, I just don't have anything to say to that woman".
Your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.
A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful woman.
The woman kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said.
"It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the woman continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
"Does it hurt as much as Tennis Elbow?"
Why do people say "tuna fish" when they don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?
Them: You need to listen to your body more.
Body: You're old and you want pizza.
Store sign...
Today's special!
5 minutes in the walk-in freezer with any purchase.
Why does the temperature change every day?!
It's literally the exact same sun!
I'm too lazy to be your stalker.
You'll have to come here and bring food.
I was alive in...
5/5/55
6/6/66
7/7/77
8/8/88
9/9/99
01/01/01
11/11/11
2/2/22
I'm working on..
3/3/33
Whenever my wife is upset, I let her color in my tattoos.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
Old him: Dear, did you put talcum powder in my underwear?
Old her: No sweetheart, that was Miracle Grow.
Lazy is a very strong word.
I like to call it selective participation.
Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you feel.
You could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Me: Hello? Is this the alcoholics' helpline?
Them: Yes, it is.
Me: How do I make a mojito?
I watch so many crime programs that when I turn the TV off, I wipe my fingerprints off the remote.
I don't watch Fox News for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet.
Boss: This is the third time you've been late this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: It's Wednesday?
Yeah, I worked 90 hours a week, destroyed my marriage, and didn't watch my kids grow up, but hey, we shipped an important product.
Ah, well at least you're rich now.
Oh no, no no no, but I have the satisfaction of having made other people rich.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that.
I said I'm able to work under pressure, not die for your company.
My husband just told me he wants a divorce.
Actually, his exact words were, "I think it would be cool for the whole family to live in an RV and travel the country for a year".
Imagine being rich enough that you don't have to watch YouTube videos every time something in your house breaks.
I'm a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body that does not.
Honey, my stomach is getting bigger. I think I'm pregnant.
Yeah, and I know who the daddies are.
Who?
McDonalds, Domino's, Subway, and KFC.
Have you ever wondered if the dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
Most people have 32 teeth.
Some have 10.
It's simple meth.
My favorite emails are the ones that tell me my order has shipped.
Just be yourself! Nobody likes you anyway.
How to clean a room...
Start in one corner.
Find something from 10 years ago.
Stare at it nostalgically for 5 hours.
Go to bed.
Posts
17 comments:
I like the selective participation. I'm going to use that next time someone calls me lazy.
I like all the others too, thanks.
Took me a while to get #1, because I didnt know what an "orge" is.
Then I realised you meant ogre.
Oh, I think that's exactly how Siri would answer.
Lots of beauties. I really liked the apology for being late. I resent people being warned about the silent treatment though.
"Your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it". I will second that.
A good collection today.
Siri, LOL!
River - Selective participation is me.
Stu - Fixed. Spell check missed it because orge is a word also. And with cut and paste, I just read right past it.
Kirk - No doubt.
Sue - They'll never figure out the silent treatment. They talk too much.
Lady - And third and fourth and...
Kathy - I'm going to start needing a count of how many you've seen recently.
Deb - And it's probably true. I don't have a Siri to verify it.
Everyone - 3 typos fixed.
The one on how to clean a room made me laugh so much it made me wheezy (asthma).
I also like the one about being late. That's actually the root cause of a lot of my lateness. I probably need to do something about that, because it doesn't make the situation better at all.
Thanks for the laughs :)
Where do you find these gems? And your trees!
I did it again! I've been here three or four times today and got sidetracked in your wonderful humor and haven't left a comment yet lol. So this is like four comments. Mike. I really look forward to your humor. Thanks man. Aloha
Jenny - It's always good to find a joke that makes you laugh like crazy and snort!
Susan - It's all through the miracle called the internet.
Cloudia - I do that a lot. If a comment doesn't come to me right away, I'll go back later and later. And if it's a blog with moderation turned on, I'll sit there and wonder, did I leave a comment here or not?
I swear when my son was about 4 he came out of the bedroom with shoes on wrong feet and I said you have your shoes on the wrong feet and he smiled and said but these are the only feet I have..he's still a smart ass.
That's how I clean rooms, too.
YDG - Maybe that's where the joke originated!
Bill - Me too. 😕
Btw, Orge is french for Barley.
Anon - Yep, I ran into that when checking why spell checker didn't catch Orge.
Post a Comment