5990 - Saturday jokes

Barbie never gave me a poor body image. Barbie taught me that you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.

Barbie taught me that a bad haircut lasts forever.

215 pounds? He finally got Georgia to fake the numbers for him.

I hope they give him a jumpsuit made for someone who is 6'3" and 215 pounds.

All this because a grown man couldn't bear the idea that he came in second place.

A man literally surrenders and his followers are big enough fools to buy a t-shirt that says "Never surrender" showing a picture of that idiot surrendering.

I've been struggling to lose weight, so today I'm driving to Georgia.

I'm going to weigh myself at the Fulton County sheriff's office.

I know the bible tells us to "love thy neighbor", but I really don't think that God anticipated tRUMP supporters.

I hope the judge says, "If you have a big plane with your name on it, you're definitely a flight risk."

A guy in class got called on to answer a question and after a short pause, he said, "Hang on. I'm not dumb. I'm just panicking."

Wow, you are really rockin' those white pants!

These are my LEGS!

Did you know that a tuna fish vagina smells like a human being?

Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring?

Customer: Do you enjoy being a waiter?

Waiter: Well, it puts food on the table.

WARNING: Do not give Rice Krispies to children. I ate them as a youngster and now when I stand up I snap, crackle, and pop.

Noah, after the flood subsided, opened the doors of the Ark and released the animals. All living things rushed to freedom, except two snakes who lingered in a corner. "Why don't you go forth and multiply?" asked Noah.

"We can't," sighed the snakes. "We're adders!"

I made a huge mistake challenging DEATH to a pillow fight.

I was not prepared for the reaper cushions.

Clerk at the gift wrapping counter talking to a husband:

Nice iron. Your wife will love it. While I wrap it, you might want to go over to sporting goods and pick out a helmet.

While lost for an entire day on Colorados' highest peak, a man consistently disregarded phone calls from rescue teams because they came from an unknown number.

Age 16 to 26...

The age where you meet a lot of temporary people.

I swear if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

I haven't lost all my marbles yet, but there's a small hole in the bag somewhere.

I look at the dog hair on the floor, then look at the dog and wonder, how are you not bald?

Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary?

Same thing on the Virgin Islands. Not one canary.

Drinking at home instead of the bar isn't working out.

I almost asked my wife for her phone number.

The cart at Target rolls so smoothly that you don't even realize it's full of stuff you don't need.

Do you know what propaganda is?

It's when a British person takes a good look at something.

SIX without S is 9.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1 Mrs. Hippie

2 Mrs. Hippie 

3 Mrs. Hippie

...

If anyone ever makes you participate in an icebreaker exercise, your goal is to make them regret it.

Living alone, doing what you want, and not having to speak to anyone for days, is so underrated.

If all the people wearing "Don't Tread On Me" shirts would stop treading on everyone else, we'd appreciate it!

Sign on a business door:

Sorry, but we can't accept cash because our employees can't do math.

I wish people were more fluent in silence.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.

A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed, and pulled the covers over them.

She was shocked. He hadn't been like this for 20 years.

Then he said, "LOOK! My new watch glows in the dark!"

Dad: You should become a cop.

Daughter: I don't want to.

Dad: You chase the same men they do. Might as we get paid for it.

Who's job is it to refill the ATM machines? 

Went to three today and they all said insufficient funds.

Friend: What are those things you blow to make a wish?

Me: Sugar daddies?

I put a plaid flannel shirt on my cat.

Now it's a plaid-a-puss.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens.

They're calling it Apollo G.

The older you get the more you care about the layout of your grocery store.

I'm going to start a business where Drag Queens deliver banned books directly to kids' doors in Florida.

I want to be cremated. Throw some to the sea, some to the wind, some to the rivers in the woods... then the rest is to be put in the back of a hair dryer for a really good prank.

Them: How would you like your remains to be handled after you die?

Me: Scattered at Disneyland. Oh, and I don't want to be cremated.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me before I saw you?

Cop: Step out of the vehicle sir.

Boss to worker: You seem genuinely happy at this job. I've scheduled you for a drug test.

Q: My child won't eat fish. What can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

I like the type of people whose sense of humor may be described as "inappropriate with a chance of ruining the family dinner".

Biscuits and gravy is a weird dish.

It's pretty much just really wet flour on top of really dry flour.

The last time I sprang into action was when my recliner malfunctioned.