5997 - Saturday jokes

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Forget about the zombie apocalypse that will never come.

Worry about the idiot apocalypse that's already upon us.

A urinal had a serial number on it that was to the point. 4U2PN2

Little known fact about the Munsters show.

Before Thing was an actor, he was a stage hand.

Those preventing history from being taught intend to repeat it.

Guy who only knew Jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they crucified our carpenter?!

8yo singing quietly to himself, "Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth."

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which one of those things you think peanut butter is.

The gas coming out of cows isn't near as dangerous as the BS coming out of republican politicians.

Buying groceries is starting to make me wonder what a pine cone tastes like.

The cashier told me "Strip down facing me".

By the time I realized she meant the credit card, it was too late.

Her1: I always wear panties on dates.

Her2: What, to keep your ankles warm?

Her: I received a random dick pick. It was little. So I replied with 1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war. Now I'm blocked.

I used to be able to do cartwheels.

Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

McDonald's needs a third window where you can trade in all the wrong stuff you got at the second window.

Did it bother anyone else that the guy in the operation game was clearly awake?

Her: I'm leaving you!

Him: Is it because I act like I know everything?

Her: Yes!

Him: I knew it!

Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down stairs!

Step 28

Step 27

Step 24

Step 21

Step 16

Step 12

Step 7

Step 3

Step 1

There have been multiple thefts of porch steps from different addresses in the city.

Top Detectives have been assigned to the stair case.

A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front porch.

The friend says, "Hey, is he yours?"

The guy replies, "Yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."

His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"

"No, but I think he speaks porch geese."

I told my carpenter not to carpet my steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

A staircase is just a stair with extra steps.

How to draw a horse in two steps:

Draw a unicorn.

Erase the horn.

What do you say when your sister steps on your foot and breaks your toe in half?

That's mitosis.

Social distancing is just a step in the right direction.

My wife was walking upstairs with the laundry and dropped it when she missed a step.

I watched it all unfold.

What happens when you step on a grape?

It lets out a little wine.

Cooking up some drugs is easy if you know the steps and calculate the correct dosages.

Like, it’s basic meth.

I could borrow the step stool from my mom, or I could go buy something taller.

I prefer the ladder.

I was afraid of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over them!

To avoid taking down my Xmas decorations, I am turning my house into a Chinese restaurant.

Him: Opal tried a new casserole recipe tonight. 

     She tasted it and said, "Yuck, this is the worst casserole I've ever made."

     And I, trying to be helpful, said, "No, it isn't, not by a long shot."

Friend: How long will you be locked out?

Him: Who knows!

Someday I'm going to eyeroll myself into another dimension.

I was not put on this planet to weather hardship.

I'm here to delight and perplex people with my behavior!

Sometimes I read a text and think what a psycho.

Then I press send.

I've reached the age where my obituary will not contain the word 'untimely'.

Don't give up on your dreams. Go back to sleep.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, then how bad of a decision can it be?

Never make snow angels in a dog park.

People associate wearing glasses with being smart.

But you have to fail a test to get them.

I get a small rush of joy when I open the dryer and find the clothes a still little damp.

It's like the dryer is procrastinating for me.

We've trained our dogs to come running anytime we spill something. 

We just yell HOUSEKEEPING!

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

I don't watch men's soccer.

If I wanted to watch a bunch of men struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd just go to a bar.

Them: You'll understand when you're older.

Me: I'm older now and I don't understand a damn thing.

It's called a corn dog because meat Twinkie sounds too trashy.

Why is it called boob sweat and not humidititties?

Caveman: *eats weird berry*

         *can't stop shitting*

         *dies shitting to death*

Other cavemen: Noted...

Summer isn't over yet, so sit your pumpkin-spiced asses down!