6004 - Saturday jokes

George Santos just announced he'll be the new starting quarterback for the NY Jets.

Fifty Shades of Gray is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire.

If he was living in a trailer, it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

Afraid of dying alone?

Become a bus driver!

The black rhinoceros spends the majority of its adult life alone and only mates once every 2-3 years.

Today I learned I have a lot in common with the black rhinoceros.

Me: How would the world be different if our butt cracks were horizontal instead of vertical?

Comment: When you went down a slide it'd go plplplplplpl.

Me: Why can I hear this?

I take people seriously.

If someone says to make yourself at home...

I rearrange their furniture and yell at their kids.

Mars has relented and will now add an alpha male M&M.

It's all white, extra bitter, and will melt down when mixed with colored M&Ms.

Once you hit a certain age you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of shit.

I just realized I can't say the night is young and so are we anymore.

Restaurant toilets are really really dangerous. 

So many of my first dates have gone to use them and vanished.

The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant, is quite uninterested in the baby now that she's out. It's a weird way to find out my cat is a republican.

Question on accounting test...

Q: Illustrate how to capitalize expenses.

A: EXPENSES

My wife complained that my life revolving around Facebook has destroyed the way we communicate as a family, so I blocked her.

An adult spelling bee would humble a lot of people.

Knot mi!

I was walking down the street this morning when I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a French horn.

I think it was an orchestrated attack.

Him: Remember coefficients?

Her: No.

Him: Me neither.

Nostalgebra!

Owning a dog is perfect for people who never want to eat a whole sandwich by themselves ever again.

If mediums can communicate with the dead, imagine what a large could do.

Proud Boys have become convicted boys.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Me: I didn't even know they were catholic.

Chemistry teacher: ...

I don't care how nice the hand soap smells.

Never walk out the the bathroom smelling your hands.

Spider: Why are you terrified of me?

Me: Well, all the reasons I had up until now have all been replaced by the fact that you can talk.

We have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey.

I believe it is time for fire hockey.

Don't try and win over the haters.

You are not the jackass whisperer.

I failed my abseiling course.

I let myself down badly.

https://www.google.com/search?q=abseiling&newwindow=1

A unit of disco is measured in travoltage.

T-shirt...

Dear fat girls, don't be afraid to get on top.

If he dies, he dies.

My son is arguing with my husband about a math problem. My husband is an engineer. My son is in 4th grade. The confidence is strong in this one.

Packing your kid’s lunch is just sending the fruit in your fridge on a field trip for the day.

My daughter could bring up the time I took her to Disney but she usually brings up the time I made her a sandwich using the heel of the bread.

Them: “You knew what you were getting into when you had children”.

Me: Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick people's feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

I was born a male, I identify as a male.

But according to Stouffers, I am in fact a family of four.

Why hasn't one of Taylor Swifts' ex-boyfriends written a song yet called "Maybe You're the Problem"?

You can't fix stupid. But you can sell it a red hat.

On the chocolate package, it says "resealable".

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

If the bacon package isn't resealable then it contains one serving. That's just science.

English is an important subject in school, so later in life, you can smugly correct other people's online comments.

It's candy corn season for all you crayon eating psychopaths.

Monsters don't eat ghosts because they taste like sheet.

Crazy things people said...

One of my classmates in high school legit thought octopuses were extinct.

An ex told me, very genuinely, that by wearing sunglasses you don't need sunscreen because the darkness of the shades tricks your mind into thinking it's nighttime, therefore preventing sunburns.

Working as a cook and I make two salads. Both exactly the same with the exception that one wanted hot chicken and one wanted cold chicken. So my waitress throws both plates back at me and tells me I messed up and that "this one" wanted cold chicken and the other hot. When she walked away I just threw them back in my window.

Dead serious creationist: "If evolution happened, then why are there so many white people in South Africa?!"

I told someone that wigs were invented in Africa and she then called me stupid and said, "No, they were invented in Egypt". I then had to tell her that Egypt was in Africa.

My dad tells a story of his Navy friend asking what the exchange rate is for American money…in Hawaii…

Talking to a friend about how her fiancé has been working out, losing weight, getting healthy, etc., and she straight-faced, in all seriousness said, “He’s been burning about 20,000 calories a day.” I look at another friend who’s part of the convo, shocked. She said, “That is not humanly possible.” “No, he has. 20,000 calories. He’s been burning so many calories.” We asked if she meant 20,000 steps/day, nope. She was so adamant. 20,000 calories a day.

Space lasers are responsible for the Hawaii fires.

My friend in college to become a teacher," Do giraffes live in Canada?" I laughed, then realized she wasn't joking so I was the a-hole. I explained, "Anything from Lion King is from Africa." That answer seemed to clear up any confusion.

Me: "Think we can see Mars from here?"

Some Guy: "I don't believe in that sh*t."

Me: "You don't believe in...Mars?"

Him: "Nope."

He proceeded to also be a flat earther, he doesn't think the *entire concept of planets* is real and said something about the sun and stars being windows to God's light.

I was 16, standing with my friend on a river-washed shale bed about 15 ft high. We were actively finding fossilized shells, crinoid stems, and what I believed to be trilobites in a riverbed in Devils Den State Park, AR. My friends' girlfriend was looking with me. She says," I don't believe in dinosaurs. My religion says there is no such thing." I didn't choose kindness that day. I was too shocked. I confronted my friend and he said, "I'm not dating her for her intelligence." That was a rough lesson about humanity.

I entered the tire store to buy new tires for my car.

Salesman "We have a deal right now - buy 4 get 1 free!"

Me: I don't have a full-size spare tire, only a donut, so I don't need a 5th tire.

Salesman (in a very condescending tone): "No... obviously buy 4 get 1 free means when you buy 4, then you get 1 of the 4 for free"

Me: "Okay, but that's not how that phrase works"

Salesman: "No (again condescending), it ALWAYS works that way".

Me: "So when you walk into a store and a sign says buy-1-get-1-free, do you get the first one free? Do you just walk out without paying?"

Salesman rolls his eyes, and looking disgusted at how dumb I am, starts all over at the beginning hoping if he says it again slower, and loudly, I'll understand him better.

A woman of voting age who thought men had to have their foreskins trimmed regularly.

Christianity is the oldest religion.

***There were a total of 353 comments in that post.***