6011 - Saturday jokes

I talked with my 8yo goddaughter today, and she quizzed me with her flash cards for her upcoming civics test. She didn’t like my definitions of “law,” “rules,” or “government” and told me I should go back to 3rd grade. I told her I'm a law professor, but she was unmoved.

Ever since the pandemic, I’ve reached dazzling new heights of how ugly I’m willing to be in public.

I've said it before and I'll say it again because I have a terrible memory.

Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle? 

Wife: I rolled it during a marathon. 

Doctor: That’s really impressive. 

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

Yeah, I’ll come upstairs soon. 

I just need to look at the internet first. 

Yes, the whole thing.

Seen on a concrete column...

Have a good day

Fat Bitch

... I wondered if it was an insult or a signature.

Me: Correct me if I'm wrong...

Internet: Sir, we will correct you even if you're right!

Jimmy John's sign...

Our subs are an honest 8 inches even when it's cold outside.

Unless you fell off your treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.

Lauren Boebert: Take your children to CHURCH, not drag bars.

Reply: Jerk your boyfriend off in PRIVATE, not in PUBLIC!

Meme: Don't judge. Who amongst us hasn't gotten felt up during a musical while giving your date a handie and blowing vape smoke into a pregnant person's face?

Q: Has anyone ever eaten camel before?

Me: Only the toe.

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a "GO VEGAN" t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he's been spit on, punched, and had a bottle thrown at him. I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Those who want us to work until age 70 and the ones who won't hire us after age 50 are the same people.

Twitter weirdo: @Pink - I stopped listening to your music when I found out you were a lebanese. God wanted man with woman.

Pink - Hahahahaha sorry... What?!?!

Trying to think of a tree pun but I'm stumped.

I can't prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired.

Halloween candy isn't bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I have a pet termite.

I named him Clint.

Clint eats wood.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

I was watching TV with my youngest, and a character on the show found an old Walkman.

MY DAUGHTER: “What’s a Walkman?”

ME: “It was a portable music player when I was a kid...it played cassette tapes.”

HER: “What’s a cassette tape?”

ME: “Music used to be on cassette tapes. You know, before CD’s.”

HER: “What’s a CD?”

Anyway, if you’re ever in the mood to feel about a million years old, call my kid.

I will never understand how millions of so-called Christians blindly follow the most un-Christlike person in the world.

Them: You told us we were in your prayers!

Me: Yes, the part where I say "Deliver me from evil".

It's not your fault Adam. Study finds that 100% of men would eat any fruit given to them by a naked woman.

I went to YouTube to find a song and 2 hours later I'm watching comedy bits.

I was playing hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the dog loose.

That look on your face watching your crush give someone else a handie after you shot up cases of beer to impress her.

Me: Doc, it hurts when I do this.

Doc: But, you're not doing anything. You're just sitting there.

Me: Exactly.

Every member of Congress has been ranked from smartest to Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Evangelicals spent thousands of years warning about the antichrist.

Then, when he shows up, they elect him president.

Just once I'd like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "You need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave".

Dear Coca-Cola Company,

No more new flavors.

Either add the cocaine back in, or leave it alone.

When someone is bragging about how long they work., reply with, "Wow, it seems like you really need to work on your time management skills".

Kid: Mom, can I sleep with you? I'm scared.

Mom: No, I can't risk the monster following you in here and killing me.

Congratulations! You made it out of bed!

Let's celebrate with a nap!

I farted at work today.

Maintenance was called to check for a sewage leak.

I don't think your life has to have purpose or a grand ambition.

I think it's okay to just wander through life and find interesting things to do until you die.

I am under no obligation to make sense to you.