6025 - Saturday jokes

Apparently not only is the far right scared of drag queen books, and Bud Light, but now they're scared of Taylor Swift!

Plateaus, the highest form of flattery.

I've reached that age where my brain goes from "You probably shouldn't say that" to "What the hell, Let's see what happens".

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle.

In ancient times cats were worshiped as gods.

They have not forgotten.

So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude, she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that, what TYPE of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what's a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said a WHAT?? I said yeah, he's been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find any toilet paper because of hoarders.

Tech enthusiast: My entire house is smart.

Tech worker: The only piece of technology in my house is a printer and I keep a gun next to it so if it makes a noise I don't recognize I can shoot it.

A man buried his ex-wife on a golf course so he could still continue to cheat on her.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

People say I act like I don't care.

It's not an act.

Today I saved $287.66 by not going to Costco to buy deodorant.

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell introduces the new "MyCardboardBox".

Him 1: If you want information, feign ignorance.

Him 2: What?

Him 1: Appear dumb and people tend to share more information with you (let their guard down). Very useful, give it a try.

Him 2: I just did.

The wife and I both made a list of 5 people who we can sleep with if we ever get the chance.

She picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jason Momoa, Tom Hardy, and Brad Pitt.

I've gone with her sister, her cousin, her best friend, our next-door neighbours' wife, and the busty checkout gal at Costco.

She's not happy with my choices.

Hey, NBC! Enough already with all the shots of the attention-seeking diva who doesn't even play football.

No more Aaron Rodgers and more Taylor Swift.

Fox News is news in the same way that cow pies are pies.

A note from the mailman...

Please trim your bush so I can better service your box.

I decided to rewrite history.

Histry.

I went to the store to get Halloween decorations...

Aaaand there were Christmas trees.

Salesman: *slaps the top of a water heater*

"With this bad boy, you can cry on the shower floor for 45 straight minutes."

That look of relief you get when you thought you ran over an animal but realized it was just a person.

The manager hired a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said,

“Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”

He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir.

All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two small duffel bags".

You know that feeling of insecurity when Microsoft Word asks if you want to save any changes when you're sure you didn't make any.

You never know what I have up my sleeve.

Today it was a dryer sheet.

I found out at work yesterday that I am the only one on my team who learned cursive in school.

There is only one priest available for confession today.

Make your confession direct and to the point.

No need to explain why you did it.

My wife's name is Karen. The other day we were having a conversation and the topic of the "Karen" meme came up. She went on for quite some time about how tired she was of that and how she has come to using her middle name in public places - just to avoid the jokes and comments. She sounded quite flustered. After an appropriate amount of silence, I looked at her lovingly and said "I'm so sorry. This whole thing seems to have really upset you..." She replied, "It has". After another appropriate amount of silence, I replied "Would you like to speak to a manager about that?"

I'll leave it up to all of you to guess how that went.

That feeling you get after you wake up from what was supposed to be a 20-minute nap and aren't sure what day it is.

Me: I haven't taken a photo of myself in a while.

*takes photo*

Me: Oh, that's why...

Me at 13: I don't understand why old people are so cranky.

Me at 73: Oh...

Me: I'm going to a party. Do you have any good conversation stoppers?

Them: Don't you mean starters?

Me: Nope, stoppers. Definitely stoppers.

Doormats...

Hold on, we're probably not wearing pants

Please hide packages from my ____ (fill in the blank)

Probably at Target

This house is full of crazy people and animals - You've been warned

Please - Go the fuck away

Wecome to the shitshow

Knock hard - but not like you're the police

Sign in front of the "Naughty Cat Cafe".

NOT A STRIP CLUB!

Do you ever laugh at something really dark and think "What's wrong with me?"

(nope)