6032 - Saturday jokes

This generation will never understand what the Sears Christmas Catalog meant to us 50 years ago.

My friend asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was. 

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

When I say "the other day" it could be any time between yesterday and my birth.

The guy at the furniture store told me the sofa would seat 5 people without any problems.

Then it occurred to me, I don't think I know 5 people without any problems.

How many times do I have to click 'I accept cookies' before they send me the COOKIES!

My cooking is so fabulous, that even the smoke alarm cheers me on.

I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.

I know I'm going to get through it.

I'm just tired of going through it.

I'm in a band called the Cicadas.

We only play every seventeen years.

Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving so self-checkout cashiers can be with their families.

Turns out I’m “woke.” All along, I thought I was just compassionate, kind, and good at history.

When someone asks me if I can drive them home I drive 100 mph so they won't ask again.

When being called on my cellphone, I don't like being asked "Are you at home?" Please expand further so I can know whether I'm at home or not.

Him: Darling, I want you to have my children.

Her: Oh, Rick! I'd love to!

Him driving away: Apartment 2B kids. Tell her Rick sent you.

I'm so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt.

When people say, "Oh you smell good, what is that?"

I say, "Page 14".

Kid: “Hey Dad, someone at school said you looked like an owl.”

Dad: “Who?”

So, do you wash your clothes before you drop them off at a Goodwill donation center mostly to make sure your DNA won't show up at a crime scene someday or do I overthink things?

I saw a man standing on one leg at the ATM.

I asked him what he was doing.

He said he was checking his balance.

Dog: You are my life. I will do anything for you.

Me: Drop the ball.

Dog: Nope.

The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.

"Told my supervisor..I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost.. I'll be here but you just won't see me".

Ferris wheels are made from steel. If they were aluminum, they'd be non-ferrous wheels.

Did you know muffins spelled backward is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

I was in the half of the class that made the top half possible.

I just hired a babysitter who's SMOKING HOT. 

Can anyone tell me where to find a baby?

Don't use air fryers!

Fried air contains 4X the calories of baked air.

When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf.

Good advice... Never moon a Werewolf!

My job at the Coca-Cola factory is watching for Coke bottles to fall on the line and then clean them up with a plastic garbage bag. I'm called the 'Dirty Coke Sacker'.

From my Friday post...

The trickster god Loki, who was not invited, arrived as the 13th guest and arranged for Höðr to shoot Balder with a mistletoe-tipped arrow.

Anon comment...

Mistletoe has a side effect of causing all your hair to fall out which is why the victim is Baldr.

Her: Why is there a picture of your ex-wife in your wallet?

Him: To remind me why there's no money in there.

Cat: Is tRUMP gone? I heard he wants to grab me.

Welcome to old age. All the foods you ever loved are now trying to kill you.

Car with a dog hanging out of the top of it.

License plate? SUNWOOF

I saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning.

I didn't know that was an option.

Showed my 7-year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up. The little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad'.

My wife: Alexa, play songs from 2004.

My 8yo: OMG seriously? Old people songs?

My husband (a neuroscientist) and my daughter (a stubborn 4yo) are arguing about the brain. There will be no winners.

I was setting a voice recognition password the other day and a dog barked and ran away.

I'm still looking for the dog to unlock my phone.

Facebook has taught me a couple of things.

First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world.

Second, they are vastly outnumbered.