6046 - Saturday jokes

I tried to call the tinnitus helpline, but it just kept ringing.

Her: Men only want one thing and it's disgusting!

Him: Well, then wash it.

Q: What's the biggest lesson that employment taught you?

A: Efficient workers got punished with more work.

Those preventing history from being taught intend to repeat it.

Frogs have it made,

they get to eat

what bugs them.

Time’s fun when

you’re having flies!

Him: Hot air balloons kick ass.

Me: Are they safe?

Him: Not really.

Me: Can you stop if you don't like it?

Him: Think again.

Me: But can you steer?

Him: Listen, don't bring that negative energy into this wicker basket. Now stand back, I'm gonna crank up this flamethrower.

Please Don't Say You Don't Celebrate Halloween Because It's A Devils Holiday When You're Sleeping With Someone Else's Husband.

G1: Isn't it weird how we pay money to see other people?

G2: You mean prostitution, concerts, or movies?

G1: Glasses.

Anyone else forget how old they are and have to do math to remember?

Her: I have pale skin. An Uber driver was trying to find me in a crowd, called me, and asked, "Is that you in the white leggings?" I wasn't wearing leggings.

I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner. All it does is gather dust.

Happiness is having friends who have the same mental disorders as you.

Piss me off again and we play a game called duct, duct, tape.

G1: We missed you at the urology convention

G2: I watched the live stream.

After venting to someone. Do you ever just sit back and think “I should’ve kept that to myself”.

If you wear a sweater and sweat, are you the sweater?

My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill so I got him a get well soon card.

I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people could learn to manage their stupidity.

So, Fergus, what do ye have on under ye kilt?

Well, Angus, on a good day, lipstick.

Donald tRUMP is considering Lauren Boebert for his 2024 running mate after realizing she might be handy to have around.

Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?

Young son: I want to marry my English teacher when she gets out of jail.

Dad: No. You can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Made pancakes. 6-year-old takes a bite, pauses, looks at me & says, "You tried really hard, & that's what's most important."

In 20 years when kids ask about the toilet paper shortage, I'm telling them we had to drag out butts across the lawn, in the snow, uphill both ways.

The lack of sex leads to addiction to Blogger.

I'm so glad to see you all here.

Olive Oil to Popeye: I don't know! Maybe rub spinach on it?

I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

Sometimes you just have to let karma fix it.

Because if you fix it, you're going to jail.

Don't worry about getting old.

Worry about thinking old.

This year went by so fast I didn't have a chance to lose weight.

Doc: The best thing you can do is give up drinking and eating fried food.

Me: What's second best?

The oldest computer can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve........It was an Apple....with extremely low memory...just 1 BYTE, and before they knew it, everything crashed.

My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology.

His career is now in ruins.

I just learned the generic name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin.

I hate when I go out in public and the public is there.

I wish my wife would stop spraying Miracle-Gro on the front of my underwear.