6053 - Saturday jokes

Don't forget to set your clocks from sunshine and happiness back to misery and despair this weekend.

Q: When was running invented?

A: Running was invented in 1748 by Thomas Running when he tried to walk twice at the same time.

I wonder what Mar-A-Lago is going to sell for at the sheriffs' auction.

Cat puns freak meowt. 

Seriously, I'm not kitten!

What did the dalmatian say as it started scratching its neck?

"Ah, that's the spot!"

What happened when the cat swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens.

It's a sad day when you argue with yourself and lose.

The more people I meet,

the more I like my dog.

He gently slid her panties to one side...

So the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer.

A minister gave a talk on sex to the Lions Club. When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some of the men at the shopping center and the men complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said: "Yes I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he has only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk and the second time he fell off."

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she:

A) has intimacy issues

B) is frigid

C) needs to sit somewhere else on the bus

I'm not arguing, I'm explaining why I'm correct.

I always carry a small stone to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October. I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

The republicans quote the party line of fiscal responsibility, but their first act is to REDUCE INCOME in the form of an effective IRS, diverting future income into yet another war they will blame on Democrats.

The difference between a millionaire and a billionaire is about a billion dollars.

Bumper stickers:

I was an honor student.

I don't know what happened.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you're an artist.

I eat MILF and cookies.

I'm so gay I can't even drive straight.

My other ride is your mom.

Don't get too close.

I just farted.

AD/HD

Highway to Hey look a squirrel!

I'm driving a stick shift

We're on a hill

Do you really want to be

close enough to read this?

My mind was changed

by a bumper sticker

said no one ever

HOW AM I DRIVING?

How does an engine even work?

How can a loving god cause so much agony?

Watch out for the moron behind me.

Honk if you love jesus

Text if you want to meet him

Condoms prevent minivans

My windows are not dirty

It's my dog's nose art

If money is the root of all evil

why do churches beg for it

Sorry I missed church

I've been busy practicing witchcraft

and becoming a lesbian

Pass quietly

driver asleep

Too dumb for New York City

Too ugly for L.A.

Be nice to America

or we'll bring democracy to your country

Bumper sticker

Unfortunately, we live in a country full of people who think science is fake,

but professional wrestling is real.

MIKE'S AUTO REPAIR

If we can't fix your car,

we'll push it into a lake and say we never saw it.

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

If Big Bird was a rapper he’d go by Lil Bird.

FACT: Snow in October and November happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely. You know who you are. STOP IT!

Stop trying to please people that already don't like you.

Instead, embrace the idea of being the most annoying person in their lives.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!

THE END OF AUTOCORRECT!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!

COW!

Brace yourself...

Soon the era of pumpkin will fall.

The northern winds will whisper "peppermint everything".

Minter is coming.

As you get older you begin to suffer a series of micro-injuries.

"How did you hurt yourself?"

I slept wrong.

While I was driving, I yawned while checking my blind spot.

I drank water too hard.

Boss: I'm going to need you to work on Saturday.

Worker: Yes, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transportation is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Worker: Monday.

I ran into a friend at the store today...

Her: I cut out sugar, wine, and bought a new treadmill, I feel great!

Me: I just got $35 worth of Halloween candy for $8. I feel great too!

I had a thought, but unfortunately, I had a second thought.

They ricocheted off each other and now I can't find either one.

I saw Willie Geist on the Jimmy Fallon show the other night. He said as a kid, he was made fun of because of his first name. He said he was going to name his first kid something no one could laugh at because of a double meaning. He thinks the name Polter should be safe.