6067 - Saturday jokes

I do all my own stunts, but never on purpose.

I don't think it's fair that only roosters are allowed to start the day screaming.

Running feels great unless you compare it to not running.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my metabolism the most.

My dog will eat anything until you put a pill in it.

I accidentally used the dogs' shampoo.

Now I'm feeling like such a good boy.

If 2023 was a drink it would be a colonoscopy prep.

Before I agree to 2024, I need to see some terms and conditions.

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it?

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician.

Jellyfish are just wet ghosts.

I'm not adding this year to my age.

I didn't do anything worthwhile to count it.

Don't be sad. Because sad backward is das.

And das is not good.

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

Remember 2 things when you're on this page...

1 - They're only jokes.

2 - No one gives a fuck about your feelings.

It's not procrastination if you never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Once you hit a certain age you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of shit.

Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.

If only snooze minutes were as long as microwave minutes.

One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why I said, "You still haven't used the gift I gave you last year".

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were. 

Apparently, 'filling the deep well of sadness inside me' was incorrect.

I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk.

But I never had the chants.

Irony is getting pregnant on a pullout couch.

December doesn't have afternoons.

It's just morning until 2pm and then night.

Do you ever just laugh at something really dark and just sit there and wonder, what is wrong with me?...... (nope)

Gordon to Steve: Your and idiot.

Steve: Holy hell. You wrote three words and got two of them wrong!

I like to help people find things by pointing out that 'it's gotta be around here somewhere'.

I pun has not completely matured until it has fully groan.

Q9. Illustrate how to capitalize expenses.

expenses > EXPENSES

I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service.

I can't see well enough to shop online so I'll just drive to the store.

I've been busy writing a pun about the wind.

I'd post it but it's still just a draft.

Teacher: Sally, spell traitor.

Sally: t r u m p

Teacher: Sally, you win 1st prize in the spelling bee.

Person: Evidence that humans are smarter than cats. We don't chase laser dots on the carpet. We're not afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Cat: Evidence cats are smarter than humans. We didn't elect Donald tRUMP president. I don't need a second point.

Her: My car is making a horrible noise.

Mechanic: Have you tried removing the Mariah Carey CD?

Son: My mom fell and hit her head last night. I texted my dad this morning asking for an update and this is how it went...

Me: How's mom's head?

Dad: I've had better.

The worst part about a 30 minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

If you're having a hard time getting started on a project, simply start a second project, get it to a critical point, then use the original project to procrastinate work on the second now more stressful project. Repeat as needed for as many projects as you have until you die.

Rocky Mountain oysters are a sack lunch.

Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner. It will save you a lot of money on Christmas gifts.