6075 - Saturday jokes

If a developer had townhouses built near a big snake in the river, would those be anacondos?

What if they were built by boa constructors?

Playing Scrabble during breakfast this morning and I think my wife spilled syrup all over the letter tiles.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my words.

To make a long story short, I became an Editor.

I've done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.

Welcome mat (or not)

DON'T STOP

BE LEAVING

Men in their 20s play football...

Men in their 40s play tennis...

Men in their 60s play golf...

This proves as men get older, their balls get smaller.

If you think you love freedom but don't care if it applies to everyone, then what you actually love is “Privilege."

Whatever you do today, do it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman t-shirt.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Golf - The adult version of an easter egg hunt.

Never in the history of calm down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

I love going outdoors.

It's much safer than going outwindows.

Toilet paper math is harder than algebra. (24 family mega rolls = 123 regular rolls)

Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

I told my girlfriend she should embrace her mistakes. 

She gave me a hug.

Great minds think alike.

Unfortunately, so do stupid ones.

What's your favorite position in bed?

Near the wall, so I can use my phone while it's charging.

What’s your purpose in life?

I’ll go first, mocking extremists.

A golfer is taking a long time teeing off, and his friend asks him what’s the matter. 

“My wife is watching from the clubhouse,” he says. “So I want to make sure this is a good one.” 

“You’re crazy,” replies the friend. “The clubhouse has to be 500 yards away. 

You’ll never hit her from this distance.”

The worst part of shopping online is having to get up and find your credit card.

(That's why I know my card number, expiration date, and 3-digit code by heart.)

Sob... I sent him a picture of my vagina... sob...

And he said if I'm still at the kebab shop can I get him some fries and a soda. Sobbbbb

Living with pets, my house has two stages of clean...

1. Not clean.

2. It's better than it was.

After venting to someone, do you ever just sit back and think, "I should've kept that to myself".

Relationship status:

2017 SINGLE

2018 SINGLE

2019 SINGLE

2020 SINGLE

2021 SINGLE

2022 SINGLE

2023 SINGLE

This is what I call stability.

Thanksgiving tweets...

What are we making for Thanksgiving? Are we still on this turkey bullshit?

Me: I don't like turkey, it's so dry and tasteless.

White people: but there's SO MUCH of it though.

Me: Ready for some turkey?

5-year-old: I wish the pilgrims ate pizza.

What do you prefer over turkey?

Lamb. Ham. Chicken. Dog food. Cardboard box. Shoelace. Dead flowers. Concrete. Rubber. Wicker. Candle wax. Really anything.

On Thanksgiving - turkey is just an excuse to eat all the side dishes. What is everyone’s favorite side dish and why is it stuffing?

Next year I'm going to try stuffing the turkey with chicken nuggets so maybe my kids will actually eat a bite of it.

Sign:

IN CASE OF FIRE

Please leave the building before posting it on social media.

The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.

A recent survey indicates that the smartphone is the number one handheld device.

The penis has slipped to second place.

Book for the new week:

“Journey to Paris” by Francis Near.

I'm currently reading a book called: 

'Swimming the English Channel' by Francis Neer.

Red States...

Where you can live 'The Handmaid's Tale', but you can't read it.

That look you make when you're the tech person in the family and you hear someone say Grandma got a new phone.

So, MAGAts think Democrats dressed up like them and attacked the Capitol to change the outcome of an election they just won. Yes, they are a special kind of stupid.

Him: How many men have you slept with?

Wife: I only slept with you. With the others, I wasn't sleeping.

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife. 

She protests: "Why the same color, people will think I don't change my panties.

Husband: Which people?

Ever notice there are no lines for the bathrooms at waterparks?

A girl I liked called and said come on over, there's nobody home.

So I went over and nobody was home.

I once lived a stone's throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries.

Do they have restaurants in Japan where American people cook in front of you with a lawn chair and a grill?

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

You have to love the end of daylight savings time. There is nothing like watching the sunset while you're eating lunch.

Shame on you people making fun of George Santos, a man whose mother died not once but twice and possibly even three times!

Please help my wife and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

The hardest part of being a bartender is figuring out who's drunk or just stupid.

When I see ads on TV with smiling happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy is the medication they must be on.

The problem with closed-minded people is that their mouth is always open.

Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.

My father was born a conjoined twin. His brother was my uncle on my father's side once removed.

I held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn't read my Apple Watch.

The elderly man behind me: (exhales) "Let's move this along, future boy".

Me: You know, change is inedible.

Them: I think you mean inevitable.

Me: *spitting out several dimes* Nope.

I'd work at a sex shop for a day just so I could confidently tell customers, "You can shove this up your ass".