6082 - Saturday jokes

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

And stupid. We should be scared shitless of stupid.

Speaking of stupid...

A customer called Walmart to complain about a full parking lot.

‘What do you want us to do, move the cars?’

My favorite radical leftist idea is that everyone should be able to eat and afford a roof over their heads.

Onlyfans Star Billie Beever says they shouldn't have to pay tax because their work feels like a 'public service'. 

(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

From a 5 year old: There is no school the day after Thanksgiving so everyone can poop.

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!' 

My type of people are people who can use sarcasm to respond to my sarcasm instead of getting offended.

It's never too late to start exercising.

That's why I'm waiting until later.

Alien1: Did you catch the latest episode of "Earth"?

Alien2: I did. this season is CRAZY!

License plate...

EWW PPL

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. 

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. 

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, 

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” 

To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.” 

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. 

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough in his left eye that he could see her.

A lemon isn't naturally occurring and is a hybrid of crossbred bitter orange and citron. Which means life never gave us lemons, we invented them ourselves.

American Girl has released a doll with hearing loss.

Wait, the other ones can hear us?

I never thought I'd be the kind of person to wake up early and exercise... and I was right!

The back of a t-shirt on a 5K race participant...

50

Fat

Diabetic

Ahead of you

The bathroom is the anti-gas station. You go in full and come out empty.

A guy asked me what it was like to be a woman in the workplace and another guy answered for me.

Nailed it.

The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."

Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Her: If I am, I'll be giving birth to some batteries.

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate.

Just sitting here doing nothing because I have too many things to do.

Hold on, I'm trying to decide if I want to participate in today.

Husband to wife: A home-cooked meal! You must be in Facebook jail again.

If you're over 40 it's no longer called masturbation.

It's called a systems check.

I totally think Santa should publish the naughty list.

What a great way to meet people.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Him: Women aren't supposed to swear!

Her: First of all, fuck you...

Fox News did to our parents what our parents were afraid video games would do to us.

The only thing easier to buy in America than a gun is a republican politician.

tRUMP sandwich - white bread; full of baloney; with Russian dressing; and a small pickle.

Mom’s For Liberty should rebrand as Klanned Karenhood.

Someone called Moms for Liberty "Assholes with Casseroles" and it's my new favorite.

I'm never sure if I actually have free time or if I'm just forgetting everything I have to do.

Equal pay for men on "Only Fans"!!!!!!!

Lightbulb Him: You're bringing friends on our date?

Lightbulb Her: We're Christmas lights. When one goes out, we all go out.

Pro tip: When baking for the holidays don’t Google cream pies. Google cream pie recipes.

My wife never complained until I got hearing aids.

Sleeping is nice because you're not actually dead and you're not awake so it's a win-win situation.

It's like being dead without the commitment, an open relationship with death.

Death with benefits.

Him: Remember coefficients?

Her: No.

Him: Me neither.

Nostalgebra

2 hyrogen buffalo + 1 oxygen buffalo = 1 water buffalo

I ate a kid's meal at McDonalds yesterday.

His mom was pissed.

Don't run with bagpipes.

You could put an aye out.

Or worse yet, get kilt.

Nutmeg said: Hey! Bob, how ya doing?!

Paprika replied: Vern! Long time no see!

This is known as seasons greetings.

I'm so relieved after getting my last electric bill today. 

It said final notice.

Street name: GOA way

I just found out where I'm building my next house.