6089 - Saturday jokes

-Your grandma wore very short mini skirts, thin panties, high boots, and no bra...

–She listened to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Janis Joplin, and Rolling Stones.

–She rode on motorcycles and fast cars.

–She smoked tobacco and other things...

–She drank gin-tonics, whiskey, and whatever...

–She came home at 4 am and left for work in the morning...

Know that you will never be as cool as your grandma.

Her driving with her husband. It's cold out:

Her: I think the people in the next car are from another country.

Him: What makes you think that?

Her: Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says...

:stit ruoy su wohs"

Ladies, before you quit your high-paying ad exec job in the city and move in with a handsome charming flannel wearing Christmas loving man who runs an adorable small business in your hometown, remember to ask him where he was on January 6th.

My new car has a button for just about everything.

There's even one that says rear wiper.

Still too afraid to try that one.

Her: Would you like to have children one day?

Him: OK, but no longer than that.

Please do not accept friend requests from my parents.

They have been hacked. ... Lizzie Bordon

She was an illegal whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

Her1: You should try Yoga. It makes you feel relaxed, flexible, and loose.

Her2: So does vodka without all the sweating.

Post: So they really clothes school tomorrow?

Comment: They shirt it down.

Cmt: That socks.

Cmt: I was underwear of this.

Cmt: Is it because of the sweater?

Her1: I met a Polish sound engineer yesterday.

Her2: I met a Czech one two!

Before you block me, message me and let me know what the icing on the cake was.

I'll probably want to use that one again.

I've just turned off the news and turned on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Q: Do twins have the same size dick?

A: As a twin, I can say my dick is definitely bigger than my sister's.

Vegetables aren't that bad if you know how to prepare them. Carrot cake is a perfect example.

That look on your face when today's safety meeting is about something you did yesterday.

Salons always have hair on the floor.

Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks what's the problem?

Cowboys would put a lantern on their saddle at night so they could find the trail.

This was early Saddle Light Navigation.

Schrodingers Immigrant...

Lazy and collecting all the welfare...

but somehow taking all the jobs.

You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “Whatever.”

I've reached the age where I appreciate a nice sturdy handrail.

Me: Mom, can you pick me up from this sleepover? The kids are being loud and mean. And their dad keeps touching me.

Mom: NO.

Me: Why not?!

Mom: Because those are your kids and your husband!

The dating pool definitely has pee in it.

Just helped my neighbor bury a rolled-up carpet in the woods. 

She said her husband would have helped her but he's out of town.

Pay it forward.

Be the change.

On the back of her jacket...

"I'm so good Santa came twice".

What's the difference between a sock and a camera?

A camera takes photos, a sock takes five toes.

Son: Dad, did you know in some countries you don't who your wife is until you get married?

Dad: It's like that everywhere, son.

I love Taylor Swift. Not necessarily her music, but how she upsets simpletons just by existing.

Him: Ever realize that humans cut down a bird's house to make a birdhouse?

Me: How high are you?

Him: 5'7

Her1: I have Indian in my blood!

Her2: Imahoe is not a tribe.

Am I ready for Christmas?

I'm not even ready for today.

An angel asked God what She was doing.

"Making Canadians", She said.

"Awww, they're so nice," said the angel.

"Oh yeah? Watch this," said God as She dropped a hockey puck.