6103 - Saturday jokes

Dear Texas,

If you're really obsessed with going backward in time, return your state to Mexico.

Him: I joined a Carpenters class last week.

Her: Have you made anything yet?

Him: We've only just begun.

Of all the poop in the world, who decided that bat shit was the craziest?

Did you know that Santa had a tenth reindeer, Olive?

She's mentioned in Rudolph's song.

"Olive the other reindeer..."

Bummer sticker...

I don't look disabled?

You don't look ignorant

but there you go...

I'm collecting dildos and vibrators for the holidays.

I'm giving them to all the Karens that need to go f*** themselves.

I'm calling it "Toys for Twats".

Christmas is coming up like a court date. I need a continuance.

This is a list of extreme religious conservatives, in power, anywhere on earth, that have historically been the good guys.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

I’m looking for either buttons or a zipper. I guess I’m really just looking for some closure.

I don't always give money to Charity.

But when I do I get a lap dance.

When the FBI is searching your phone for evidence but has to go through 60,000 memes.

Yo mama so ugly even her dildo needs viagra.

Her: Masturbating does not make you go blind!!!

Him: I'm over here, lady.

Mom: If a stranger came up to you and said, "I'm your mom's friend, she told me to pick you up". What would you say?

Kid: I'd say, "You're lying. My mom doesn't have any friends."

Mom: Not where I was going, but OK.

Dad 1 pushing baby carriage: Nice to meet you. This is my daughter, Beth.

Dad 2 pushing baby carriage: She's a cutie. What's Beth short for?

Dad 1: Because she's only TWO years old!

Can you spell wonton backward?

Not now.

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches.

Wife: OK, just throw them out.

Me (later): *helping kids pack a suitcase* Look, I'm just as surprised as you are.

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.

Excuse me miss, those are my balls you're holding.

I know. So let's be very careful not to hurt each other, OK?

Does anyone else feel the urge to walk out of a business the moment they see Fox News on?

I saw Diana Ross trying to push in the line at the grocery store and I said to her:

"You can’t hurry love, you just have to wait".

Instead of a condom, I carry a moist towelette in my wallet.

I run into chicken wings more often than sex.

I have a pet termite named Clint. 

Clint eats wood.

I used to be against organ donation.

Then I had a change of heart.

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

U r a bus.

Not bragging, but, I do live in a gated community with 24-hour guards at the gates. 

Ok. it's a prison, I said I wasn't bragging.

C: Why are all my royal chariots so dented and dinged up?

Hail, Ceasar!

C: Very good, but again, what happened to my chariots?

I went to the doctor and said I can't stop my hands from shaking. 

Doc said do you drink a lot? 

I said no, I spill most of it.

I'm currently reading a book about Central heating systems.

By Ray D. Ater.

Why is it cute for a baby to fall asleep drinking a bottle? 

But when I do it, then I'm an alcoholic.

If your grandma's couch was always covered in plastic, it's because she was a squirter.

You can't hang around with me if you're going to cry every time we get handcuffed.

Walmart is giving free turkeys to anyone who can outrun security.

Wrapping presents is folding laundry's asshole cousin.