6124 - Saturday jokes

Him in bed: Was that your first time?

Her getting dressed: Today? No.

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not. I need this job.

‘Thoughts and prayers’ has become ‘get over it’ which is what it actually meant the whole time.

The moon is actually more useful than the sun. The moon gives us light at night when it's dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it's light out already.

Ever notice, that the older we get, the more we're like computers?

We start out with lots of memory and drive.

Then we eventually become outdated and crash at odd moments.

Then we acquire errors in our systems and have to have our parts replaced.

True for too many people...

Social media has made too many people comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.

People are asking, "If there is no oxygen in space, how is the sun on fire?"

I woke up this morning and my whole body had turned to corn.

If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears.

A choir girl was chasing a choir boy around the sanctuary.

She finally caught him by the organ.

I finally did it! Bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

One notorious criminal in 1888 England was quite the kidder.

He was also known as Jack the Ribber.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. 

I don't like to interrupt her.

My friend Hubert is an ambitious guy.

During the day he works full time for Allied Van Lines hauling furniture.

Then, he works 6-8 hours most nights as a bartender in a Martini Lounge.

So, the guy's clearly a Mover and a Shaker. 

I’ve never ridden in a hot air balloon. I’m just a PLANE guy. 

What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor?

An Optical Aleutian.

There is a new religion that worships a specific color.

They are cyantologists.

I lost all my toes in an accident and lost all my friends.

They were all lack toes intolerant.

Apparently, Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said:

“This super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

Please put ketchup on the shopping list.

OK, I did it. But now I can't read the list.

If marriage is grand what is divorce?

Ten grand.

My buddy asked me where my sister goes fishing and I said Alaska.

He said never mind Alaska myself.

My friend told me that he once dated twins.

I asked, “How could you tell them apart?”

He said, “Maria painted her nails red and Tony had a beard.”

It's a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.

Math problem...

If Joe is 64 years old and his girlfriend is 23, how much money does Joe have?

Unless you fell on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.

Assert dominance by moaning your own name during sex.

Her: My aerobics instructor says I've got the chest of a 23-year-old!

Him: HA! What did he say about your 60-year-old ass?

Her: He never mentioned you.