6131 - Saturday jokes

When the weather dips below freezing, if you listen closely, you can hear Joel Osteen locking his church doors.

Had a dry throat while eating. Started to choke on my food, so I drank some beer. I saved the day with a Heineken maneuver.

On the back of a highway department truck...

Ctrl-Salt-Delete

Nothing has made me question religion more than Evangelicals worshipping Trump!

Isaac Newton: Finally! I've figured out gravity!

Dairy Queen employee: Here's your blizzard sir. (flips it)

Isaac: Are you fucking kidding me!

Outside the door: OPEN UP! IT'S THE POLICE!

Inside the door: PROVE IT!

Outside the door: How?!

Inside the door: Sing Roxanne!

How come all the ‘tough guys’ are so scared of Taylor Swift?

How are you gonna act like you're ready for a Civil War when Taylor Swift scares the shit outta you?

Weird how no guys got mad over how many times they cut to Eminem at the Lions game.

Me: I've been thinking about adoption.

Wife: But we already have 5 kids.

Me: Exactly! If we put up 3 for adoption, then we only have to deal with 2 of them.

I need you all to proofread your posts more carefully.

If I steal your post and there are spelling mistakes, I can't have people thinking I'm stupid when it was really you.

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas, they’re due back next Friday at the library.

IOWA CAUCUS FORECAST: IQs expected to dip into the single digits.

When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

One says, "Eat the chocolate".

The other says, "You heard her, eat the chocolate."

A pine tree and an oak tree were in the forest, and they noticed a sapling growing between them.

The pine tree asked the oak tree, "Is that a son of a beech?"

The oak tree asked the pine tree, "Is that a son of a birch?"

At that point, a woodpecker flew in, landed on the sapling, and started to peck.

The pine tree and the oak tree asked the woodpecker what kind of a sapling he thought it was.

The woodpecker replied: "It's the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"

Ah yes, The Phantom of the Opera, the musical about a Frenchman who's deformed and tries to find true love.

Not to be confused with Beauty and the Beast, the musical about a Frenchman who's deformed and tries to find true love.

Or the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the musical about a Frenchman who's deformed and tries to find true lo... HEY, wait a minute!

I was going to give up all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered, no one likes a quitter.

Boss: Jane, I found out you lied on your resume.

Jane: And I found out you lied on your job description.

Looking at graffiti on a bridge...

Some people: That's vandalism!

Other people: That's art!

Me: How the hell did they get up there?

When I was a kid, the man across the street was in the Mafia.

He was a nice guy though. He used to give me ten bucks to start his car every morning.

Don't worry about old age.

It doesn't last very long!

You know it's cold outside when you can see birds fart.

Screwdrivers and drills are now permitted on Boeing flights.

So passengers can help with maintenance.

Apparently, it's not OK to refer to kids as 'little fuckers' at a PTA meeting.