6145 - Saturday jokes

I just can’t wait to visit Carroll-Lago.

I'm sitting on my front porch watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

This old woman comes to the fence and yells at me, "YOU SHOULD BE HUNG!"

I yelled back, "I AM, THAT'S WHY SHE MOWS THE LAWN!"

Sometimes tough parenting requires you to tell your kids that they need to clean their rooms before they can have a donut, while you sit eating donuts yelling, "Hurry, they're almost gone!"

Her #1: My child only eats organic food.

Her #2: My kid eats Cheerios off the floor with the dog.

Some people...

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

BLINK

Monday

Me...

Saturday

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

If you're happy and you know it, stay in bed.

If you're happy and you know it, stay in bed.

If you're happy and you know it, 

getting up will surely blow it.

If you're happy and you know it, stay in bed.

(Did you sing this?)

Sad... when you tell everyone that you're taking a break from social media and it gets the most likes you've ever had.

New McCormick's seasoning... Keyboard crumbs.

Crunchy and flavorful.

Made with real food scraps.

Guaranteed to fit between and under the keys.

She's crazy.

And just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness,

there's an underground garage.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me".

I haven't tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

Me: I'll have a sloppy joe.

Wife: This is a fancy restaurant!

Me: Apologies, I'll have the Uncouth Joseph.

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir.

My friend’s sister used to hide money in the bushes in their yard. 

She went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.

Why do they put lotion in tissues?

To soften the blow.

Dad: Does he even have a job?!

Daughter: Daaad, he sells catalytic converters.

Nurse: Have you had any unexplained weight gain this year?

Me: Nope, there are plenty of explanations.

I don't need a personal trainer.

I need someone to follow me around and slap food out of my hand.

Me grocery shopping: Oh hello little tomato. Want to come home with me and die in the back of my refrigerator?

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: Because of something my boss said.

Interviewer: It says here you were fired.

Me: That's the thing he said!

Customer: I'd like a burger.

Waitress: Is vegan OK?

Customer: Is Monopoly money OK?

Punxsutawney Phil sees shadow, predicts another week of Taylor Swift.

Congratulations, we’ve become the people who tell younger folk, “I remember when all of this was just woods”.

Did you know that you can put donation stuff in your car and then drive them directly to the Goodwill and not drive around with them for months?

It's a fact that if you ask your hubs to bring you something from your purse he will just bring you the entire purse.

(Because we don't like digging through used Kleenex,)

I love joining a class action lawsuit. Hell yeah, I've been wronged. Justice needs to be served. A surprise check for $26 in 6 years will make it right. (Anybody we know?)

A friend had a new baby.

Her coworker asked, "What's her name?"

The friend replied, "Lilly Noelle."

Her coworker, "How do you spell it then?"

Why is it that when I donate a kidney I'm a hero but when I donate six kidneys the police have questions?

So tired of the questions when I donate blood. "Whose blood is this, why is it in a bucket?"

My name is Richard, without an 'e'.

  But there's no 'e' in Richard!

That's what I said.

An underwear company had a meeting.

It was a brief chat.

When I was a kid my mom would have a spoon with food on it and say, "Here comes the train, here comes the train", and I would always eat it, otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

A 72hr hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.

I got a call from the police station saying they wanted to interview me. I don't remember applying for a job there.

Jesus: Are you there Dad? It's me, you.

I was in a meeting today and the room number was 404. I joked that I couldn't find the room and nobody understood. This is why I have a hard time making friends.

For all those who remember Anita Bryant, her granddaughter, Sarah Green, is now happily married to a woman.

https://www.advocate.com/people/2021/7/27/another-pie-face-anita-bryant-her-granddaughter-gay

The teenage boy says he had sex with his teacher. 

The father said sit down and let's have a drink to celebrate. 

The boy says, “I would but my ass still hurts”.

Jesus was at the bar, and after a few drinks, he became very aggressive and unpleasant.

"That's it, I'm cutting you off, only water for you now," said the bartender.

"Oh no!" Replied Jesus sarcastically.

Methane is the primary cause of global warming, according to the flatulent earth society.

Blaming all Muslims for terrorists is like blaming all musicians for Ted Nugent.

I got to do it today. A lawyer's dream. I asked a falsely pious person, who testified that the 10 commandments were the most important thing in his life, to simply name them.

He couldn't do it.

Taylor Swift & Colin Kaepernick will be performing the National Anthem at the Superbowl while kneeling and drinking Bud Light.

AI will probably take over the world and end us all.

Also AI: AI camera mistakes soccer referee's bald head for the ball, follows it through the entire match.

If the happiness of Taylor Swift and her boyfriend makes you miserable, maybe you’re just a miserable person.

Somedays you feel like you are surrounded by idiots.

Other days you realize it's not just some days.

My wife and I were having a petty argument at a local pub.  A mutual friend overheard us, came to our table,  grabbed our fries, and the cups of coleslaw, and left. 

We both really like this guy but really wish he would stop taking sides.