6152 - Saturday jokes

In a country of Marjorie Taylor Greens, be a Taylor Swift.

In a small town out west, an old priest became tired of listening to all the details when parishioners would confess that they had committed adultery. So he asked everyone to simply say “I’ve Fallen” during their confession. This code word was then used for many years.

Eventually, the old priest retires and a new one takes his place. During his first week, the new priest starts to get concerned because everyone is complaining about falling. So the priest went to see the town mayor and suggested that maybe the sidewalks needed repairs to prevent people from falling so often.

The mayor starts laughing because he realizes that the new priest doesn't know that "fallen" is a code word. The confused priest then says “I don’t know why you’re laughing because your own wife fell down three times this week”.

Most evangelical Christians would fight to deport Jesus if he returned again tomorrow.

People in the town were pretty sure O'Malley was a spy.

And as it turned out he was a Dublin agent.

I arrived home exhausted after a hard day at work. Shuffling into the bedroom I then collapsed face down on the bed moaning not knowing that my wife had secretly dressed up in a superhero costume trying to spice things up for us in the bedroom.

Just at that moment, I heard the bedroom door suddenly crash open and my wife leaped through with her fists on her hips in a superhero pose boldly exclaiming, "SUPERSEX!"

Hearing this but too tired to move I groaned sleepily through the pillow

"I'll take the soup...."

A guy decides to take skydiving lessons. So he goes to a skydiving class. Getting bored after a few classes he decides, “I’ve seen enough” and goes Sky Diving. He’s up so many thousand feet in a plane and jumps out. He’s going down down down… pulls the Rip Cord…Nothing happens… From class, he remembers his emergency Rip Cord…Pulls it, nothing happens. As he’s going down down down. Suddenly he sees a guy going up up up. He hollers to the guy, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?” The guy says, “No, do ya know anything about Gas Stoves”?

When I attended my first Pentecostal service, someone passed me a plate full of money. I've been going ever since.

I got that laser eye surgery more than three months ago, but still nothing. I can't even produce the tiniest laser light from my eye. Am I doing something wrong?

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

He pointed to a beautiful young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here's the joke I told:

"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously, I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

Breaking Bad was an amazing show in almost every way, but it was terrible with product placement.

If anything, it made me NOT want to do crystal meth.

My friend begged me for weeks to go spelunking with him.

I finally caved.

Where does Bill Clinton hide when he plays hide and seek?

Between the Bushes!

What's the difference between a Nirvana concert and a pirate orgy?

Either you come as you are, or you ARRR as you cum.

A police officer pulls a farmer over for speeding. While he's writing the ticket he keeps swatting at a cloud of flies circling his head.

"You getting bothered by those horses ass flies, officer?" says the farmer.

"Horses ass flies? What the hell are they?" replies the officer.

The farmer says "Those flies buzzing around your head. They're called horses ass flies because they always fly around horses asses."

The officer continues writing the ticket before suddenly stopping and saying "Hey! Are you calling me a horses ass!?"

"Oh no," says the farmer, "I would never dream of calling you such a thing, officer!"

The officer gives him a doubtful look and returns to writing the ticket for a second before the farmer says:

"Can't fool those flies though."

Every Saturday I go to the park and observe a group of middle-aged women sitting, talking, and laughing loudly.

One day I noticed that the ladies were pretty silent. There must be some serious matter, I wonder.

When they dispersed, I stopped one of them and asked: "Why was everyone so silent today?"

She said: "Everyone in the group was there today."

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

I don’t know why you’re shaking!? She’s going to eat me!

What's the difference between a 49ers fan and a vibrator?

A 49ers fan is a real dick.

I got a chair for my mother-in-law. It was a great deal, but my wife made me return the chair because she wanted her mother back.

My wife is threatening to leave me because I can never make a decision for myself.

How should I respond to her?

Years ago, a bearded Cuban was chatting it up with some ladies vacationing from the United States. He said, "Here in Cuba, our number one pastime is bullfighting."

One of the ladies, horrified at the spectacle of bloody bulls being tortured, asked, "Isn't it revolting?"

"No, that's our second most popular pastime."

'Disturbed' show postponed after lead singer comes down with a sickness.

My wife left me for another man.

All that's left now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.

And while he's going through all that, I'll be down at the bar with my friends every night!