6159 - Saturday jokes

What starts with a P and ends with an S and most men have them and most women want them?

Pockets.

Prostitute: Doc, I think I'm pregnant.

Doctor: Do you know who the father is?

Prostitute: Replies, "Oh! For goodness sake, if you ate a can of beans,

would you know which one made you fart?"

We used to have empires run by emperors and kingdoms run by kings...

Now we have countries...

What did the cow say when her husband kept clogging the toilet?

I am so tired of all of your bullshit!

A guy walks up to a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender asks, "Is Pepsi ok?".

The guy nodded yes.

Then the bartender says, "One Pepsi and Coke coming up".

My wife thinks it's bad that the Christmas tree is still up, but...

If we just hold out 'til July, "still up" becomes "already up."

Ole was on his deathbed when he caught a whiff of rhubarb pie. Wanting nothing more than one more bite of his favorite dessert, he pulled himself out of bed and made his way down the stairs to the kitchen, where his wife Lena had left it cooling on the window sill. Despite his weakness, he got a plate and a knife and carefully moved the pie to the counter to cut himself a piece.

Just as he was preparing to slide the knife into the pastry, Lena appeared and slapped his hand, scolding, “Now Ole, that’s for the funeral!”

Ole finally died, so Lena went to the newspaper office to arrange for his obituary.

The editor said, "OK, Lena, what do you want it to say?"

"'Ole died.'"

"Well, the lowest price is for one to five words, so you might as well make it five words."

"OK. 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

A girl asked for a straw for her frostie. The teenage boy at the window replied, “If you can drink that with a straw, I’d like to get to know you better.”

A recently married woman, a bit suspicious of her husband, hired a private detective to follow him.

After a week, the detective reported that he had tracked her husband into four bars and a bachelor's apartment.

"Aha," she exclaimed, "I knew that skunk was cheating on me. Go on, what was he doing in those places?"

Embarrassed, and with a halting voice, the detective said, "Maam, he was trailing you."

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help me at all to be honest. 

But I stand corrected.

Dwayne Johnson looked at Medusa and nothing happened.

Why did the pony ask for a cup of water?

He was a little horse.

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulled up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,

"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley... YOU RIDE IT!!"

Don't be afraid to cut people off.

           -Lorena Bobbitt

(Eventually, he changed his name to "Les Johnson".)

The difference between hardware and software: “Software is something you swear at. Hardware is something you kick.”

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. 

Now I have Heinzsight.

My kid called me an old man this morning. We both laughed and laughed. Then I changed the WiFi password.

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

My therapist: Why aren't you being honest with me?

Me: Because I don't want to be hospitalized.

Your religion does not prohibit me from anything. It prohibits you.

Learn the difference.

Fox News' Peter Doocy (to Biden): How bad is your memory and can you continue as president?

Biden: My memory is so bad, I let you speak.

Today's Lesson:

DO NOT hula hoop without a bra on.

That's all.

A grumpy old man walks into a brothel and asks the madam "Is this a union brothel?" "No, sir," she replies "I've owned and operated this bordello for 50 years without a union!" "Well, I'm a union man, so I only visit union brothels!" the man replies as he slams the door on his way out.

Three more cathouses, the same thing. Until he visits the very last bang shack in town; where the madam says "Why yes, we're the only union pleasure house this side of the Mississippi!"

"That's great!" he shouted excitedly "I want an hour with your prettiest, most voluptuous girl!"

"I'm sure you do." she replied "But Agnes has seniority!"

Roman soldier says, "We lost a man and now number only 99". His centurion replies, "I see"(IC). The soldier responds...

No, XCIX

John asks his high school crush Mary to the senior prom

The day arrives, and he picks her up in his dad’s car, sporting a fresh new suit, and he’s just buzzing with excitement to be going out with the most beautiful girl in the world.

Once they arrive Mary insists they take their picture together - it’s a long line of other couples but eventually they get to the front and get their picture

Afterward, they make their way to the auditorium and Mary turns to John and says, “Ooohh they have cookies! Will you get me one?” John quickly obliges, only to find that there’s another long line at the concession table. He eventually secures a chocolate chip cookie and brings it over to Mary.

“This is amazing but listen, I didn’t have dinner yet, will you get me a slice of pizza?” John agrees, eager to make his date happy and once again waits in the long line for pizza.

He returns with the food and watches her eat, very eager to get to dance with her. She looks up at him and bats her eyelashes “John, this has all made me rather thirsty, will you bring me a glass of punch?”

John obliges again, eager to impress his date. He makes his way over to the drink table and finds that there’s no punch line.

A 70-year-old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down, and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20-minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker." She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.

The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20-minute nap and she'll have to hold his dick while he's asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.

The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you're sleeping?"

The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."

A guy goes to a brothel. The madame meets him at the door and asks if she can help him. He tells her it's been a while and he needs to get some relief. The madame takes him in to meet the girls, one asked him what he had, so he dropped his pants and reveals a 2" dick with shorty tattooed on it. One girl in the back giggled and said she hasn't had any business in a while so she would take him. 2 hours later, she came back downstairs looking like she was in a war. Hair a mess, clothes falling off of her, walking like she was spent. The madame ran over and asked what the hell did he do to you? Nothing she said, but when we were down here it said Shorty, upstairs it said "Shorty's Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee".

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs fighting with his cat?

Claude

What do you call 2 guys with no arms and legs hanging in front of a window?

Curt and Rod

What do you call a man with no arms & legs hanging on a wall?

Art

Two brussels sprouts, who were best friends, were walking together down the street.

They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured brussels sprout called 911 and did what he could to help his injured brussels sprout friend.

The injured brussels sprout was taken to the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared.

He told the uninjured brussels sprout, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is, your friend is going to live. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

My wife and I had an argument so I glued her tarot deck together.

She’s having a hard time dealing with it.

Knock Knock. 

Who's there? 

Grandpa!

Oh shit, stop the funeral!

Honey — where did you get all these $1 bills?

Easy mom! The boys in the neighborhood each give me a dollar every time I climb up the telephone pole.

Honey! You need to stop that. They aren’t paying you to climb the telephone pole. They just want to see your underwear.

A few weeks pass. 

Honey - where did you get all these five-dollar bills?

Easy mom! You told me they just wanted to see my underwear when I climbed the telephone pole, so I stopped wearing them.

Which nation values skinny girls the most?

France. They all want to bone-a-petite.

Does it take longer to run from first base to second, or from second to third?

Second to third, because of the shortstop.

The owner of a restaurant walks into the kitchen. He sees one of the cooks stirring the soup with his thumb.

Owner: "What the f*** are you doing with your thumb in the soup?"

Cook: "The doctor told me it was infected and I should keep it warm".

Owner screams: "Well, why don't you put your thumb up your a**!"

Cook: "Nah, that's how it got infected".

A lady saw the movie "The Sting" and was smitten by Paul Newman and Robert Redford. She went to a tattoo parlor to get their likenesses put on her inner thighs. After the tattoo artist finished the job he handed her a mirror to see the images. She didn't think they were good and told the artist. He told her to get a second opinion. She went out to the sidewalk in front of the parlor and approached a drunk. She lifted her skirt and asked him if the tattoo looked like Robert Redford and Paul Newman. The drunk looked at each face for a minute and responded, "I don't know about Robert Redford or Paul Newman but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson."

Taylor Swift saw her boyfriend win the Super Bowl indicating six more weeks of right-wing conspiracy theories.