6166 - Saturday jokes

It’s REVERSE LENT!

Pick a new vice for the next 40 days.

Scientists removed the left half of a man’s brain and asked him to count to 10. He said, “2, 4, 6, 8, 10.”

Then they put it back and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10. He said, “1, 3, 5, 7, 9.”

Finally, they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He said, “Oh I can count to 10. Believe me. People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10, I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before.”

What did the horse say when he tripped?

Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose?

Bicycle petals.

9 out of 10 times when I lose something... It's because I put it in a safe place.

If I were lost, but I had a compass.

I would still be lost.

I need to know if the $400 golden high tops come with bone spur protection.

I came home, and my dog peed a little because he was so happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me.

Bunch of phonies.

(Well, at this age, most of my friends wear Depends, so it is hard to tell.)

A teenager brings home her new boyfriend to meet her parents. They’re disgusted by his haircut, tattoos & piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Honey, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh come on Mom,” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Me: Do you need to go outside?

Dog: 

Me: Outside?

Dog:

Me: Do you need to pee?

Dog:

Me: Go poop? Go outside?

Dog:

Me: Ugh. Fine.

Dog:

Me: [gets coffee and gets comfy on the couch]

Dog: You won’t believe this.

My dog has 4 beds and takes medicine for his seasonal allergies just like his wolf ancestors.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There’s no way I’m walking on wet grass.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

me: They’re for the dogs.

wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

me: They don’t know how.

I can’t pick up my dog's prescription because I can’t remember her date of birth. 

They won’t tell me it because of patient privacy. 

She’s a dog. 

She won’t tell me it either.

40% of my wife and I's conversations go like this:

me: what?

wife: I was talking to the dog.

Them: What's it like raising a boy?

Me: I have a 12ft ceiling in my living room and there's chili on it.

If anyone knows a great place for me to get sausage... send me a link.

Cop: So you saw 5 people beat up a guy on an electric bike. Why didn't you help?

Witness: I thought 5 was enough.

Alabama couples or single females should be able to claim each frozen embryo as a dependent on their taxes.

(I made this up before I started seeing all the memes. Great minds think alike.)

In a packed elevator, everyone is silent.

Stomach: I will now demonstrate the mating call of a whale.

My young coworkers asked me to show them pictures of me in high school.

I said I'd go home and dig some out.

They said, "Can't you just look at your phone?"

And I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Feels like the life of an introvert boils down to working up the energy to act like an extrovert until you can go home and be comfortably introverted.

Stop saying history will judge them. Judge them now.

With judges.

Only in Canada will you see a woman yelling at a moose in a parking lot while it's trying to eat her groceries.

A recipe I have calls for "leftover bacon". 

It might as well require dragon loin or unicorn shanks.

Son: Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?

Dad: No sun.

In Alabama, an egg frying in a pan is now called a murdered chicken.

Definition of "disappointment".

Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose.

It's a good day. The bulb finally burned out on my check engine light.

I bought my daughter a handbag from Iraq.

She said thanks for the Baghdad.

Me: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

Producer: You mean a choir?

Me: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Kids today are getting soft. I died once when I was five and my mom made me walk it off.

Sing along...

Sweet dreams are made of cheese,

Who am I to diss a brie?

I cheddar the world and feta cheese,

everybody's looking for Stilton.

Me: Somebody is sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

Friend: Sounds like you're being stalked.

You aren't doing it wrong if no one knows what you're doing.

I'm not ashamed to admit it.

My knowledge of opera begins and ends with a handful of Bugs Bunny cartoons.

When cannibalism starts, vegans are the closest thing there is to a free range, antibiotic free, grass fed meat source.

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god.

I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.