6173 - Saturday jokes

I woke up to my six-year-old holding my hand this morning.

It was such a sweet 3 seconds until I realized he was using my fingerprint to break into my phone.

The success of a manipulator depends on the degree of ignorance of their followers.

Stop saying, "They didn't teach us that in school."

Yes, they did. You were talking.

Just once I'd like someone to call me "sir" without adding "You need to calm down or we'll have to ask you to leave."

Went for dinner after kid's hockey last night. 

Me: "I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"

Waitress: "... maybe the chicken strips for $9?"

Me: "... maybe it does, but that doesn't help with my hunger."

Waitress: ... 😲 

Wife: "Why'd I marry you"

A random dad across the restaurant: "GOOD ONE!"

Friend 1: I was looking for my phone with the flashlight on my phone!

Friend 2: Did you find it?

Just bought a sweet car online.

Previously owned by Neil Diamond.

On the classroom whiteboard: Tonight's English as a second language class has been canceled.

We shouldn't be asking if an egg is a person. 

We should be asking why a person would live in Alabama.

Captain Picard: Data, you need to get an iPhone like everyone else.

Data: Sorry Captain, I will always be an Android guy.

Two young men from the South loved to fish and they wanted to do some ice fishing.

They’d heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.”

The fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the young man left. In about an hour, he was back.

“We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing out there?”

“Not very well at all,” he said. “We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet."

I took the Canadian citizenship test yesterday.

The first question was, “Who’s sorry now?”

I was going to get paid with a boat.

But they docked my pay.

They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Not if you have diarrhea.

A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!” The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!”

The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

A man left his bicycle right next to the entrance to the US Congress.

Security shows up and says, "You can't leave that here! Congressmen and Senators use this entrance"

"Don't worry, I'm using a bike lock"

A Congressman got caught up in a voyeuristic scandal. He claimed that it was part of his “Congressional Oversight”, and was of the people, by the peephole, and for his peehole.

I asked my girlfriend if she would like to try having sex in an igloo.

She said she wasn't Inuit.

A woman answers her house phone and hears a deep voice with heavy breathing say, "Have you got a tight, bald c#nt?"

The woman answers, "Hang on and I'll get him, he's on the sofa watching TV."

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture.

A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out.

The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “You won’t believe this...my son Benjamin moved away for a year and when he came back HE converted to Christianity too”!

Both upset, they call their rabbi and explain what happened. The rabbi says, “You won’t believe this, my son Joshua moved away and when HE came back he told me he converted to Christianity too”! The rabbi suggests they call God and tell him.

The rabbi tells God that all three men had sons who moved away and converted to Christianity and didn’t know what to do. God says to them, “You won’t believe this...

This morning I woke up with the will to change everything!

And so I began with changing my mind and went back to bed.

I can always tell when movies don't use real dinosaurs.

Someone stole my coffee cup.

Now I have to go to the police station and look at mug shots.

I was trying to think of a good tree pun.

But I'm stumped.

What do you call a wreath of hundred-dollar bills?

A wreath of Franklins.

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis, I mean ladder!

I realized I've got a problem with road rage when my five-year-old daughter shouted,

"Pick a fucking lane you dickhead!"

And we were in the grocery store.

My brother died today. Only 2yrs old.

Next time I'm buying an Epson.

One guy to the other: I bought a scale. Now I know how much my shit weighs.

Other guy: Right, you measure yourself before and after taking a dump and then know the difference.

First guy scratches his head: That would probably work too.

I bought my wife a coat made of hamster fur.

Took her to the carnival and couldn’t get her off the Ferris Wheel for three hours.

I hurt myself with a pickaxe.

My doctor said it was a miner injury.

Once upon a time, there were three moles: a mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.

One bright sunny morning, the mama mole poked her nose out of their hole, took a deep breath, and said, “Ah, I smell bacon!”

Hearing this, the papa mole wedged himself beside his wife until his nose was also outside, took a deep breath, and said, “Ah, I smell pancakes!”

The baby mole wanted to smell, too, but try as she might, she could never get past the bodies of her parents, who were blocking the way. Finally, she sat down, dejected. “Aw,” she said, “all I smell is molasses.”

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. 

She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years, and watch the expression on his face!"