6191 - Saturday jokes

I was in line behind a guy buying condoms when his card got declined.

The little old lady behind me whispered, "He just got cock blocked by Visa."

Someone found a hole in the nudist colony fence.

Police are looking into it.

Got a frantic call from the manager of a remote office: "None of our computers can connect to the internet!"

I look, and sure enough, the VPN is down, no access to their server or any workstations. I ask her to go look at something in the server room.

"Oh, we can't go in that room right now. The painters disconnected everything and moved all of it out into the hallway".

I try to find the good in every situation.

WAIT!

That was a typo. I meant food!

I try to find the food in every situation.

Reading way above my grade level didn't get me as far in life as I had hoped.

Every time I think I have a new hobby, it turns out I just like to buy stuff.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun not to be able to open that drawer.

Having size 9 shoes is completely normal, literally the average woman's size in the USA.

Trying to buy size 9 at the store? Greetings Amazonian giantess. We keep your enormous clodhoppers in the shed out back lest they frighten the villagers.

On vacation, there is no spending limit.

I'll figure it out when I get back home.

I asked the kid working at McDonald's if the Shamrock shakes were made with real Shamrocks.

He went to ask the manager.

I was nominated to a "25 pushups a day for 25 days" challenge.

I blocked that person.

I'm writing a new book called "How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of definitive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations.

(I didn't have a clue about this one.)

Don't forget, this is the 23rd Spring since 2001.

Every 23 years, for 23 days, it gets to eat.

Stay safe.

(I never saw the film Jeepers Creepers.)

(Oh, and today is March 23rd.)

Bras for C cups and under: Hello princess, let me kiss your nipples with a hint of lace while enrobing your breasts in fine silk, gently embracing them together like two fragile turtle doves cooing in the snow.

Bras for D cups and up: What's up blop-fish? Here's a beige canvas held together by braided rope in constrictor knots and a pulley system. Don't forget to yell heave-ho before hoising those anchors onto the upper deck so people in a 5-mile radius can run for cover. We attached a hastily made bow in the middle so you'll feel pretty.

(That was a lot of typing. I hope it was worth it.)

Hello.

Who are you? 

Andrew.

And?

...rew.

I finally told my kids that St. Patrick wasn't real...

and that it's actually been me putting snakes under their pillows every year.

Men's pants: Your waist is 30 inches, therefore you are a size 30.

Women's pants: Your waist is bad inches. You have wide hips, a small butt, short legs, a prehensile tail, and we don't like your face. Therefore you are a size whatever we want, but only at this store.

Me buying 72 bottles of wine...

Cashier: What's the occasion?

Me: They were on the shelf.

Telling an Irish girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.

Resturant...

"Thai Tanic Cuisine"

Yes, they have iceberg lettuce.

It was grade C level but not anymore.

Whenever you call to ask if they’re busy all they say is “Customers come in waves”

The business is hard to keep afloat.

It eventually broke into two businesses.

Tasty food, goes down well.

Fresh shipments daily.

Drinks are ice cold.

An asteroid the size of 8 Taylor Swifts, the weight of 22 Dwayne Johnsons, and the speed of 1000 Usain Bolts will pass Earth soon. How many Amber Heards of destructive force does that work out to be?

Challenge... Introduce a male character like male screenwriters describe women characters...

As I looked into his innocent green eyes, I knew my womanly presence was arousing his taut testicles. That with every little gaping breath they vibrated vigorously against each other, firm and plump beneath his starched trousers. And he blushed because he knew that I knew.

Institute of Philosophy hallway directory sign...

Why are you here?

Two girls riding bikes in the country...

Girl 1: I've never come this way before.

Girl 2: It's the cobblestones.

I was so traumatized from being born I couldn't walk for a year and couldn't speak for two.

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”.

The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctor calls the gynecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The baby’s head pops out again. “Hey, you my dad?”

Father “Yes!”

Baby, “Well come here” and a tiny bloody arm squeezes out, and slowly starts to punch the top of the father’s head while quietly saying, “HOW…WOULD…YOU…LIKE…THIS…TO…HAPPEN…EVERY…NIGHT…OF…YOUR…LIFE”.

My 15-year-old daughter used soap that had more smell than we are used to and my wife has scent allergies. My wife mentioned the smell of the soap and my daughter said, “You need to stop being so sensitive”. My daughter then looked at me expectantly while I laughed and praised her.

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. 

When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Anger management class postponed for classroom repairs.

I hope my last words aren’t, “What does this thing do?”

Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer. “How big is your land,” asked Putin. Farmer responded proudly “From here to that big oak tree in the near distance is one side of my land.” “Same square distance all around.” Farmer then asked Putin, “How big is your land?” Putin responded he could get in his car all day and not reach the end of his land. Farmer replied, “I once had a car like that.”

I just realized my wife left me because I was obsessed with simplifying fractions.

Oh well. Hindsight is 1.

I’m thinking about getting into politics, but I don’t have any name recognition.

I’m considering changing my name to “None Of The Above".

Do you know how to convert your pulse rate to your heart rate?

Take your pulse rate and multiply by 1.

Husband: I think you're right.

Wife: I didn't say anything yet.

Husband: I'm just trying to save time.

Mom, who is my daddy?

“Son, I guess you are old enough to know. You know our town is strict about no pre-marital sex. Several town men used to… um… relieve their stress into the local well. One dark night, I was heading back to our house, and I fell in the well. After some fuss, our family got me out, and 9 months later, you were born. “

“Um… Mom, I still don’t quite understand where I came from, but thanks for telling me.”

“Son, you’re well cum.”

(How did she fall into the well in the first place? I guess she couldn't see that well at night.)