6195 - Saturday jokes

I went to an alcoholics anonymous meeting.

Anonymous my ass. I knew everyone there.

Girls mature faster than guys.

Because men don't usually develop breasts until their 50s.

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me.

What the Hellman?!

The longest word in the English language is smiles!

The first and last letters are a mile apart.

Is it okay I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school or does that make me...

...a bad teacher?

A blonde and a brunette both jump off the Empire State Building at the same time, which one hits first? 

The brunette hits first because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.

I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities. 

I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

My doctor says it’s terminal.

Who doesn't like pizza?

A weirdough.

You can't make everybody happy.

You are not pizza.

Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Teacher: Human sperm contains sugar.

Sarah: Then why is it not sweet.

Entire class: ... ... ...

When older people say, "Enjoy them while they are young". 

They're not talking about your kids, they're talking about your hips and knees.

Life is simple, you start off in diapers, then you're out of diapers, then you're back in diapers.

This is my once a year apology for the misuse of your and you're, and there, their, and they're.

Gym teacher: Now this game is called Dodge Ball. And if you play your cards right, the person you hate the most will be crying like a bitch within minutes.

Why does no one tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre? 

The punchlines are too long.

A snare, a kick drum, and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Ba dmm tsss.

What cheese is made backward?

Edam

The “college is a scam” crowd is now arguing with engineers about bridges.

I was so bored that I read six pages of the dictionary. I learned NEXT to NOTHING.

Living with a dog is 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.